


The Babysitters

by meowloudly15



Category: The Loud House (Cartoon)
Genre: Amelia Bedelia - Freeform, Babysitting, Babysitting for fun and profit!, Brief cameo appearance by Sam's mom!, Fun bonding, Funny, Gen, Mild Innuendo, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Red sauce, Saluna shiptease, some weirdness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-10-23 19:51:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17689790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meowloudly15/pseuds/meowloudly15
Summary: The Loud parents are on an anniversary date, and the older Loud sisters want to see a play with Pop-Pop. How will they monitor the younger kids? Simple! Hire Sam as a babysitter! Rated K plus for comic violence, mild innuendo, and general skullduggery. LunaxSam shiptease.





	1. The Plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hi! How's it going, everybody? I'm back with another story! This is my theory for what would happen in the upcoming Loud House episode where Sam is reintroduced with a bigger role. (I mean, my story "Listen to the Band" was also a theory, but this story has less objectionable content and no OCs who develop critical plot importance although they were originally intended for a one-off joke.) But yeah; here's another theory, and I'm going to keep it closer to the style of the show.
> 
> This story has no relation to any of my other Loud House stories.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: The Loud House, all related characters, and any other pop culture references don't belong to me.
> 
> Enjoy!

Lori paced back and forth in her room, fretting about what to do. Her siblings watched her pace patiently, conferring amongst themselves; that is, all except Lynn were doing so. Lynn was bouncing a tennis ball off Leni's dresser while muttering something to herself about a hot tamale. The siblings were hesitant to state their theories to solve their conundrum because they hoped Lori had a better one.

Lori finally stopped pacing and turned towards her ten siblings. They all looked her way, hoping that she'd thought of some solution. The frustration on Lori's face belied their hopes somewhat.

Lori said, "I..."

She shook her head. "I have no idea what to do."

Lori sighed and fell face-first onto her bed. Lana narrowly dodged out of her way.

All the siblings sighed. They started talking again.

After a couple minutes of discourse, Luna's face brightened. She leaped to her feet. Her siblings all turned to look at her, hoping she had a solution.

First, she had to pay her respects to the obligatory rules of the special sibling meetings.

"Permission to speak freely?" Luna asked Lori.

Lori sighed and smacked her authoritative shoe on the bed. "Permission granted. Now out with it."

Luna began, "I got an idea for how we can get to the _Waitress_ play with Pop-Pop, dudes!"

Everyone cheered.

Lori rapped the shoe on her bed several times to get everyone to settle down before realising that it made almost no noise; the pillow underneath the quilt was nice and fluffy. She then called out, "Settle down!"

Everyone stopped cheering and returned their attention to Luna.

Luna continued, "So... You guys remember Sam, right?"

Everyone nodded. A resounding shipping squeal ensued.

Lola grabbed Lori by the shoulders and shook her back and forth, yelling, "I SHIP IT I SHIP IT I SHIP IT!" Lori yelled back, "I LITERALLY DO TOO!"

Luna remarked with an embarrassed grin, "I guess you do."

There was no response.

Luna yelled louder, "I SAID, I guess you DO!"

Everyone promptly stopped squealing.

Luna continued, "Well, she owes me a favour. And she's got a sweet ride."

The siblings exchanged glances; they saw where Luna's plan was headed.

"What does she owe you for?" asked Lincoln.

Luna shrugged. "Eh; it involved a shopping list, polka, and a perfect SAT score, and that's all I'm willing to tell.

"So, what I was thinking was that we five older sisters borrow Sam's car to get to the show, and we leave the rest here. Ya know, 'cuz _Waitress_ is most definitely not a kids' show?"

All the siblings nodded.

"Yeah, but who would look after us?" asked Lucy.

Luna replied brightly, "Linc is old enough, right?"

Lincoln piped up, "Yeah! I can handle you guys!" He smacked his fist into his palm.

Lori smirked and shook her head. "No, no, no. You are literally not old enough to deal with your little sisters. I've had sixteen years' experience dealing with siblings, and I can still hardly handle you guys."

Lincoln snapped, "Yeah, but that's because you've had to deal with all ten of us!"

Luna interjected, "Nah, nah, nah, Lori's got a point. Remember that time Mom and Pop took Lori and Leni out shopping for middle-school homecoming dresses?"

All the siblings except for Lisa and Lily shivered.

Luan remarked, "I will forever despise the scent of barbecued oysters."

Lynn jumped up and leveled an accusatory finger at Luan. Sweat droplets were beading on her forehead. "Don't say the O-word! Don't! You! Dare!"

Luan grinned insincerely. "Oyster."

Lynn clasped her hands over her ears. "NO! STOPPIT! STOPPIT STOPPIT STOPPIT!"

Luan laughed. "Oyster oyster oyster!"

Lynn had just enough presence of mind to reach for Lori's golf club and threaten her obnoxious sister. Lori had plenty enough presence of mind to rip it out of Lynn's hands.

"ENOUGH!" she shouted, banging her shoe first on the fluffy pillow, then on Lynn's head, which emitted a far louder noise.

Lori turned to Luan, brandishing her shoe like a butcher knife. "If I hear you say the O-word one more time," she barked, teeth clenched, "I will literally turn you into A HUMAN PRETZEL!"

Luan whimpered and clutched Lucy like a security blanket. Lucy hissed and wriggled out of her grasp.

Lori turned to Lynn, who was clutching her sore head. "LYNN! If I see you threaten your sisters one more time-"

"And brother!" interjected Lincoln.

"And brother. If I see you do that one more time, I'll tell Tanya about that diary of yours!"

Lynn gasped. "You wouldn't dare!"

Lola giggled maniacally. "Oh, she WOULD dare! And if she doesn't, I'll do it!" She made a mocking smoochy face and began to imitate Lynn's voice. "'Oh Tanya, how I wuv the way your eyes twinkle when you put me in a full nelson!'"

It was Lynn's turn to be reduced to a nervous wreck. She and Luan held each other, sucking their thumbs.

Lily gave the two of them a disapproving look and said, "Poo-poo."

Lana asked, "What if Sam baby-sitted us?"

Lori looked startled, then smiled. "Good idea!" She turned to Luna. "Do you think she'd be up for that?"

Luna shrugged. "I'll give her a call. See what she says."

All the siblings cheered.

Lana said, "Put her on speakerphone!"

Luna dialed the number, set it on speakerphone, then listened.

After three rings, Sam picked up. "Hey, it's Sam Sharp. Whaddya want?"

Luna smoothed down her hair. "Wassup, Sam? It's Luna. You're on speaker."

"Oh, hey, Moon Unit! What's happening?"

Lori turned to Lincoln and grabbed him by the shirt collar. She whispered, "Oh my God she's even got a cute nickname for her EEEEEEEEEE!"

Luna shouted, "Shaddup, Lori!"

Lori let go of Lincoln's collar. Lincoln gasped for air.

Luna cleared her throat and resumed talking to Sam. "Sorry about that, luv. My sibs are in the room with me 'cuz we were just talk-"

Lori squealed softly, "You called her 'luv'! You called her 'luv'! Oh my god! Oh my-"

Lincoln shot Lori a withering gaze. Lori stopped fangirling.

Sam asked, "You were talking 'bout what?"

Luna replied, a distinct edge to her voice, "If my big sis would stop INTERRUPTING ME, then maybe you would KNOW ALREADY."

Lori sighed.

Luna continued, "Well, me, Lori, Leni, Luan, and Lynn were gonna go see the musical _Waitress_ with our Pop-Pop. And the 'rents will be on an anniversary date. So, I was wondering if you wanted to babysit for the rest of my sibs?"

Sam replied, "Sorry, Lunes, but I can't. My folks are out o' town visiting my uncle. So I gotta watch-"

Over the phone, the Louds heard a loud THUD and a little boy making loud car noises.

Sam yelled, "SIMON! STOP IT! Get off of me! I am not a race track!"

Simon said, his voice faint, "But YOU said life is a highway!"

Sam groaned. "There's a big difference between me and life and between a race track and a highway."

"But you were going really fast on the highway, trying to beat Ruth to that store that one time!"

"Didn't I tell you not to mention that ever again?"

"Oh, right! You did!" Simon laughed. "It was funny, though, how your face looked when the police car started going WEEEOOOOOOOOOOOW! WEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOW!"

Sam shot back, "I'm trying to call Luna right now. Go play in traffic."

"Ooh! Luna? THAT girl? Didn't you say something about her being so se-"

"GO!"

The Louds heard scampering footsteps recede in the background.

Sam returned to the phone. "Sorry about Simon. But yeah. I gotta watch him. So I'm basically stuck in here."

Leni gasped. "You're stuck in Luna's phone? Oh no! I'll get you out!" She tore Luna's phone out of her hand and started banging it against the dresser.

Luna yelled, "Stop it! Gimme that! That's not what she meant!" She grabbed her phone back from her ditzy sister. "Sorry about that," she told Sam. "My big sis doesn't really get some stuff, know what I mean."

"Yeah. Like Amelia Bedelia, ya know?" Sam replied.

"Totally. Simon still obsessed with the books?"

"Yeah. He says if he can't be a NASCAR driver, he's gonna be a maid when he grows up."

Luna chuckled. "Big dreams for a little kid, huh?"

Lincoln asked, "What if I watched Simon while Sam watched the other girls?"

Luna repeated the query to Sam, intrigued.

Sam replied, "I guess that'd be all right. Linc seems like a mature enough kid. So, when you wanna have me here by?"

Luna turned to Lori. "When we gonna leave?"

"Four. The play's at six-thirty. We should be back by ten."

Luna repeated the information to Sam.

Sam said, "Sounds good! See ya in a few!"

"See ya, Sam!" Luna hung up the phone and set it down on the dresser.

Leni asked, "Is Sam out of there now?"

Luna facepalmed. "Yes. She's free as a bird."

Lori glared at Luna.

Meekly, Luna asked, "What?"

Lori snarled, "You literally forgot to ask Sam about borrowing her car!"

"Oh sh- shingles! Dang it!" Luna fell backwards onto Leni's bed and groaned. "Ugh. Eh, we'll think of a way to get it."

Lola piped up, "We could steal her keys."

Luna replied, "Nah, sis, I don't wanna do that. See, Sam trusts me, and I'm not gonna ruin that for-"

"Slap her butt!" exclaimed Luan. She had recovered from her human-pretzel-fugue a minute ago; Lynn was still curled up in the fetal position.

Luna looked at her, confused. "What?"

"Slap her butt! Then she'll be too shocked to notice that you took her keys, and you'll get a cheap thrill! Two for the price of one!"

Luna rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "You do have a point."

"I know! And didn't you say to me once you thought Sam had a nice KEYS-ter?"

Luna flushed bright red, her hands clenching into fists. "Shaddup."

Lori rapped her shoe against the dresser. "Sibling meeting adjourned!"

All the siblings left Lori's room except for Lori and Lynn, who was still sucking her thumb.

Lori looked at her, confused, then called, "Lisa? What's wrong with Lynn?"

Lisa strode (well, about as well as a four-year-old can stride) back into the room, then inspected Lynn. "Hmm. Peculiar. She appears to have some variant of post-traumatic stress disorder, presumably incited by your threats for the revelation of her amourous prose to her unaware paramour."

"Uh, English, please?"

"That was English. To put it in terms suited to the less verbally gifted, Lynn is out of it, and it's your fault. I shall escort her to her quarters and administer proper electroshock therapy."

"Oh, no you're not!" Lori shoved Lisa away from Lynn and gently picked Lynn up. "You are literally not going to electrocute your sister, not while I'm on watch!"

Lori carried Lynn to her room. Lynn continued to whimper softly.

Lisa shuffled out, muttering to herself about how one of these days, they would all understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, LoudAutomata16. That just happened. We now have LynnxTanya in the archive.
> 
> The first part of the story turned out longer than I expected it to. So, this story is going to have multiple chapters, but I don't anticipate it being very long. Don't worry, I promise to update more frequently than I have in the past. You should expect the next chapter to be out by next week.
> 
> See you soon!


	2. The Sitter Cometh

At 3:44 that afternoon, the Loud House's doorbell rang. Lynn rushed to answer it (she was feeling considerably better by that point). She opened the door, revealing Sam lying on the ground, clutching her hand in pain.

"The... friggin'... doorbell... just... zapped... me..." Sam managed.

Lynn helped her up and called to her siblings, "Guys! Sam's here!"

The other Louds rushed downstairs to greet her. Luna quickly ran a comb through her hair, then beckoned to Lisa to hand her a spray bottle, which she spritzed into her mouth. She then ran over to Sam and gave her a high-five.

"Yo Sam! What's shakin', luv?"

Sam replied, "Moon Unit! It's all good on my end." She frowned. "Why does your breath smell like chili?"

Luna looked at the spray bottle in her hand, which was labeled "Pure Capsaicin Powder". She screamed in pain, and flames shot out of her mouth, engulfing the bottle.

Luan yelled, "Lisa! What did you do to her? If you weren't my sister, I'd FIRE you!" She laughed. Everyone else groaned.

Luna ran to the sink to rinse out her mouth.

Lisa replied, "Luna never specified which bottle she desired. I merely selected one at random. Lori, kindly retract the unsettling expression from your face."

Lori quickly realised that she was still wearing her shipping smile and returned to normal. "Sorry."

Sam shifted from one foot to another. "So, uh... I don't mean to be overly forward or anything, but how much are ya gonna pay me?"

Lisa rapidly performed the mental math. "According to my calculations, with a minimum wage of $9.25 per hour for a total of six hours, you ought to pay Sam $55.50."

Lori pressed her hands to the sides of her head in shock. "Fifty-five bucks?"

"And fifty cents," corrected Lisa.

"I don't have that much money! Guys! Empty your stashes! We're all paying!"

"I don't need that much money for babysitting you guys," objected Sam as all the sisters, sans Luna, ran up the stairs.

Lucy turned back to her and replied, "You would deserve it for dealing with the likes of us." She continued up to her room.

Sam shrugged, then walked over to Luna, who was still guzzling water from the tap. "Hey, you feeling better yet?"

Luna turned to her, tears standing in her eyes. "Honestly, no. But I'm a bit better than before. I guess you should consider this a good rule of thumb. Not the most important one - that would be to never partake in a land grab in Asia - but yeah, don't ingest anything given to you by Lisa."

Sam nodded. "Is there anything else I should be aware of?"

"Yeah, if you go to the bathroom, and Lisa asks your permission to do a fecal study, ignore her."

"Ew."

"Exactly. Also, Lola's probably gonna ask about doing a tea party. Accept the invite." Luna's voice took on a serious affect. "If you don't, something bad will happen. I don't know what, but it will."

Sam tensed. "Yeah, you're making me nervous about this."

"Relax, dude. They're honestly not that bad of kids. They're just... a little much. That's why we didn't have Linc watch 'em."

"I gotcha. Anything else?"

"Lily gets up from her nap around 4:30. She goes to bed at 7. The other girls go to bed at 8. It might take you a while to find Lucy, but do your best. Try the laundry chute. And don't let Lily take off her diaper."

Sam grimaced. "She does that?"

"Yeah. Keep a close eye on her."

Sam smiled. "All right. Thanks for the tips. Have fun at your play."

"Hey, not a problem!"

Luna was feeling better, so she walked upstairs to retrieve her share of Sam's salary. Sam reentered the living room, curiously inspecting the toys and clothing strewn across the floor. She sighed and sat down on the couch.

Luna rummaged through her dresser until she found a small box with a clasp stashed in the back. She opened it up to reveal a couple of bills and some loose change. She counted it out.

"Luan, I've only got $2.46. How 'bout you?"

Luan pulled out a small stack of notes. "I have eight singles. See?" She ran her thumb through the stack. "EIGHT that the truth? I'm not trying to CHANGE how much it is; now, we'd better go pass the buck to Lori." Luan giggled obnoxiously.

Luna ignored her and walked to Lori's room. "Hey," she told her, "I only got two bucks and change. D'you want me to pay you back any?"

Lori took Luna's money and added it to a growing pile of bills and coins on her bed. "Nah, we should just give all we've got. Thanks."

"Yeah, no prob, sis." Luna turned to leave.

Lori called after her, "Oh, did you ask Sam about the car?"

Luna facepalmed. "Dang it. I forgot. Now what?"

The twins tumbled into the room, tussling with each other as usual.

"It was on MY half of the room!"

"No, it was on MINE! YOU can pay with that grimy stack of quarters!"

Everyone ignored the twins' antics, as usual.

Luan told Luna, "Like I said, slap her butt!"

"That's not very-"

Sam hollered from downstairs, "AAAAAAA! CALL OFF YOUR DOG!"

Luna raced to the rescue. She hopped on the banister and slid down to find Sam cowering in the fireplace, being licked by Charles.

Luna called, "Charles! Come here!"

Charles perked up his ears and trotted to Luna.

Luna commanded Charles to sit, then hurried over to Sam, whose eyes were watering. "What's wrong, luv?"

Sam sniffled, then blew her nose on Luna's shirt. "I have allergies."

"Oh. D'you need meds or anything?"

"Nah, just get me some tissues."

The other sisters had come downstairs to see what was the matter. Luna darted over to them and whispered, "I'm never gonna wash this shirt as long as I live."

"Eww," said Leni.

"Cool!" said Lana, who was petting Charles. She said to Charles, "Don't bother the nice girl, please. Got that?"

Charles barked in reply.

Luna ran to the closet to retrieve a box of tissues.

Lori walked over to Sam and handed her a wad of bills and change. "Here's $27.75 in advance. We'll give you the rest when we get back."

Sam pocketed the money, then said, "Thanks so much, guys!"

"You're welcome. Thanks so much for offering to babysit! You literally have no idea how hard it is to find a babysitter for us; our reputation definitely precedes us."

"Glad to do it."

Luna returned, carrying a box of tissues. She handed it to Sam. Sam took them and blew her nose loudly. "Thanks, Lunes."

"Not a problem, Sam." Luna looked back at her sisters.

Luan mouthed, "Get on with the butt-slappery already!"

Luna exhaled in defeat, then looked at a fascinating point on the ceiling while whistling innocently. She deftly snatched Sam's keys out of her back pocket, then slapped her on the butt.

Sam yelped. "HEY!"

Luna blushed. "Who, me? I-I mean, what? LOLA! STOP THAT!"

Lola replied, "No way you're pinning this one on me, missy. I'm all the way over here."

Facepalming, Luna muttered a string of curse words under her breath as she stepped away from her crush. "I'm, uh... I'm gonna go change my shirt." She darted up the stairs.

Lisa called up after her, "You ought to reimburse me for your destruction of my capsaicin!"

Luna yelled back down, "I don't HAVE any more moolah, little dude! I spent it all on Sam!"

Luan whispered to Lynn, "Phrasing." Lynn laughed.

Leni asked Lisa, "How much did the caterpillars cost?"

Lisa replied, "The CAPSAICIN was a gift from a professor emeritus at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, but I estimate its retail value at $141.00."

"Is that a lot of money?"

"That is roughly 15 hours, 14 minutes, and 35.6 seconds worth of money made by working at minimum wage."

"Yeah, but is that a lot?"

Lisa sighed. "Affirmative."

Luna came back downstairs, wearing another purple T-shirt with a skull on it.

Lynn looked at her askew. "Uh, isn't that the same shirt you were just wearing?"

Luna replied, "Nah, this is a different one. You know how we've all got a whole bunch of copies of the same outfit? It's weird, but what the hey."

Sam, whose complexion had returned to normal, piped up, "You too? I thought that was just me."

She slapped her hand to her forehead in exasperation. "Oh, crap! Simon's still at home alone! We gotta get you over there, Lincoln! Here, I'll give you the house key."

Alarmed, Luna quickly and discreetly pulled out Sam's keyring and took off the key conveniently labeled "Front Door". She handed it to Lincoln.

Lincoln said, "Uh, you already gave me the house key. See?" He held the key aloft and smiled awkwardly.

Sam frowned but nodded. "All right. So, you know where my house is?"

"Uh, no. How do you get there?"

"Left out of here, first right, down the street with the 'No Outlet' sign, and it's the small yellow one at the end. It's about a five-minute walk."

Lincoln nodded. "Gotcha. So, I'll see you at ten?"

"Yeah, probably a little after."

Lincoln waved to all his sisters and to Sam. "See ya, guys!"

Everyone called back, "See ya!"

Lincoln walked out the door and promptly turned right.

From upstairs, Lily started crying.

Lori facepalmed. "Really? She stays asleep through all this, she sleeps while Lynn's mowing the yard and Luna's vacuuming and all that, and NOW she wakes up? Just great." She stomped up the stairs.

Luan quipped, "If you're asking me, I'd say Lori's acting pretty CHILD-ish!" She giggled. Everyone groaned.

Lynn looked at the clock on the VCR, which read 5:36. "Oh jeez! We gotta go! We're gonna be late! Look at the time!"

Leni checked the time on her phone. "Lynn, like, calm down. It's only 3:55."

"But... oh." Lynn looked at her own watch, which read the same time as did Leni's phone. "Right. The VCR clock is wrong. As always. Seriously, though, we'd better go, as soon as Lori gets back from putting Lily back to sleep."

The sisters waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Lynn tapped her foot impatiently.

Luna started playing air guitar.

Luan shifted from one foot to the other.

Leni shut her eyes.

"AAAAUGH! I'VE GONE BLIND!" she yelled.

Lucy said, "Open your eyes."

Leni opened them. She immediately calmed down and beamed brightly.

"Oh. Thanks!"

Lucy sighed. "You're welcome."

Sam gave Lucy a quizzical look. "Is... is she always like this?"

Lucy nodded. "Yes. She is, uh..." Lucy whispered into Sam's ear. "A D-I-T-Z." Lucy leaned away. "We're not sure why. The doctors have said that nothing appears to be wrong with her. Lori says it's a side effect of Leni lightening her hair. Lynn claims that Lisa performed an experiment and transferred some of Leni's IQ to her. Luna said something like 'I call bullets'. I don't know what that means."

Sam grimaced. "I do."

They both turned and watched Leni try to chase down a speck of dust.

Lucy continued, "I personally think she has been possessed by an interdimensional demon conqueror who has ransacked her mind for his own nefarious purposes, then vacated so he could spend more quality time with his rebellious teenage daughter."

Perplexed, Sam said, "What?"

Lynn said, "That never happened in the original season!"

"The reboot is better. I enjoyed the ironic juxtaposition of the character of the depressed, emotionless girl with her interest in colourful cartoon ponies."

Lincoln raised his eyebrows and smirked. "I wonder why."

Lynn retorted, "Nah, the reboot is complete trash! There's a serious lack of action sequences, nobody's serious for even a second, and the characters are all stupid idiots! I've also got the entirety of the Internet to back me up."

Lucy added, "I also appreciate the self-deprecating humour and numerous jokes about death."

Lori finally walked downstairs. "Okay, Lily's finally back asleep. We can go now."

The elder siblings all breathed a sigh of relief and headed for the door.

Sam waved and said, "Have fun at your play! See you guys later!"

Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, and Lynn all said, "Bye!"

They left through the door and closed it behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: DO NOT INGEST CAPSAICIN. IT WILL DAMAGE YOUR MOUTH AND THROAT AND CAN BLIND YOU. IT CAN INFLICT SERIOUS BURNS TO YOUR SKIN. Capsaicin is the substance that makes spicy foods taste spicy. It rates at a 15,000,000 on the Scoville heat scale (for comparison, a jalapeno pepper rates at around 8,000, and pepper spray is around 1,500,000).
> 
> I made up the figure for the cost of the capsaicin. The minimum wage in Michigan for 2018 is $9.25, according to Google.
> 
> You learn something new every day.
> 
> See you next week!


	3. Not Particularly Alarming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy cow, I'm still posting ahead of time. I thought my schedule would have broken down by now.
> 
> Fun Fact: This story is labeled as TB in my doc files, so I've been calling it tuberculosis, 'cuz I'm weird that way.
> 
> Enjoy!

Luna led Lori, Leni, Luan, and Lynn down the street as they walked to Sam's house.

Lincoln ran up to them. "Guys! I don't know where to go! Didn't Sam say to go right?"

Luna responded, "Nah, bro. I know the way. Just come with us. I'll getcha there, no sweat."

Lincoln breathed a sigh of relief. "Thanks, guys."

After a few minutes of walking, the group arrived at a small raised-ranch house with tan siding. A hockey net stood in front of one of the garage doors, and a light blue sedan was parked in the turnabout.

Luna pointed to the car. "That's Sam's ride. That's what we're, uh, 'borrowing'."

Lori examined it. "It's pretty nice. I've got a question, though. There's five of us, and we're picking up Pop-Pop. How on earth will we fit six people into a five-seat sedan?"

Luna frowned. "Oh. I didn't think about that."

Leni piped up, "We could put in another seat, like, a kiddie seat or something."

Lynn replied, "We could strap you to the roof rack."

Lori rolled her eyes. "Lynn, the car literally doesn't have a roof rack."

"Oh. How 'bout we stick someone in the trunk?"

"That's not legal."

Luan joked, "This seems to be a PRESSING matter! I might need to SEAT down for this one!"

Lincoln said, "One of you could stay here with me and Simon."

Lori scoffed. "Stay here? No way. I paid good money to get to this show, and I'm literally not missing it."

Luna added, "While I'd love to stay here and hang with my bro Simon and snoop through Sam's stuff - not in a creepy stalker way or anything - I agree with Lori."

Lynn mused, "Well, they do have a hockey net..."

"You're coming with us," Lori told her. "You'd be a bad influence on Simon."

Lynn pouted.

Luna said, "Well, I guess our best bet would be to sit really close together in the back. It might not be comfy, but that's the only plan I've got."

Luan replied, "I guess we'll have to do that, then. Does that work for you guys?"

The other sisters nodded.

Lori said, "Then get in, losers. We're going play-watching."

Luan replied, "Ooh, nice reference."

The sisters climbed into the car; Lori sat in the driver's seat, Leni sat in the passenger seat, and Luna, Luan, and Lynn all sat in the back.

Luna exclaimed with a squeal, "Oh my God, it smells like her perfume in here! Eeeeee!"

Lynn sniffed. "Yeah, it smells pretty good."

Luan rolled down the window. "SMELL ya later, Linc!"

Lincoln gritted his teeth. The other sisters giggled as the car pulled out of the driveway and sped down the street.

Lincoln took out Sam's house key, unlocked the front door, and stepped inside, closing the door behind him.

He looked around the foyer. A set of carpeted stairs led up to the living space, and another one led down to the basement. The foyer was lit only by sunlight streaming in through the windows. Several pairs of shoes stood on the floor. The hall above was also dark. There was no sign of life in the house.

Lincoln called out, "Hello?"

There was no response.

Lincoln called out, "Simon?"

He heard faint noises coming from upstairs.

"Simon, it's your babysi-"

The burglar alarm went off, loudly.

Lincoln yelled, "AAAAAAH!" He clapped his hands over his ears.

A little boy appeared in the hallway, looking over the banister. He was blond with blue eyes, like his sister, and looked to be about seven or eight years old. He brandished a hockey stick and uttered a loud war cry.

Lincoln yelled again and tried to open the door. It jammed and wouldn't budge.

The boy ran down the stairs, swinging the hockey stick wildly. Lincoln ducked and leaped to the side to avoid the boy. He tripped over a sneaker and fell down the stairs leading to the basement, landing in a heap against the far wall.

The burglar alarm continued to sound.

The boy ran down the stairs and held his stick threateningly over Lincoln's head. "Who are you and what do you want?" he demanded.

Lincoln groaned and responded, "I'm Lincoln Loud. I'm your babysitter for tonight. Please don't kill me."

The boy dropped the stick and extended a hand to help Lincoln up. "Oh. Sorry about that. I'm Simon Sharp. Nice to meet you."

Lincoln hoisted himself up. The burglar alarm continued to sound.

"Nice to meet you, too. Now, can we turn that thing off?"

Simon replied, "Okay. Do you know how?"

Ten minutes of frantic button-pressing later, the alarm finally stopped. Lincoln breathed a sigh of relief and adjusted the bag of frozen peas which he held against his side. "Okay. Now that that's over, what do you wanna do?"

Simon shrugged. "I dunno. Let's go back upstairs."

The two boys climbed the stairs and sat down in the living room.

Simon began, "So, you're Luna's brother?"

"Yep."

"Sam's always talking about her. 'Oh, Luna did this, Luna did that, Luna did some other thing, Luna smited the ground and out sprang George Washington, fully grown and on his horse...', you know, stuff like that."

Lincoln laughed. "From what I've heard from Luna, they're really close friends."

Simon replied, "Yeah. If Luna was a guy, I'd say they should start dating."

Lincoln smiled awkwardly. "Yeah, heh, all right."

Simon continued, "So I was in Sam's room. She was showing me the birthday present Luna got for her - it was a book about a guy that goes on a boat with a tiger - and she says to me, 'Luna's so sweet. I like her so much.' Then I say, joking, 'If you like her so much, then why don't you marry her?' Now, it was just a joke is all, but then Sam shoves me out of her room and locks the door, so I can't get back in. I dunno why-"

The phone rang.

Simon looked at the caller ID. "I dunno who it is."

They let the call go to voicemail.

A loud female voice yelled, "SAMANTHA SHARP! PICK UP THE PHONE RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"

Simon raced to answer the phone. Lincoln listened as Simon spoke.

"Hi, Mom."

A pause.

"No, I didn't know it was you."

Another pause.

"I don't remember."

A pause.

"Okay. I'll put it on the fridge."

A pause.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. It was the babysitter."

A brief pause.

"Yeah, the babysitter. I thought Sam told you what was going on."

Another pause.

"Yeah, she's babysitting for her friend Luna's sisters."

A pause.

Simon shrugged. "I don't know."

A pause.

Simon cupped his hand over the receiver and asked Lincoln, "Sam is at your house, right?"

Lincoln replied, "Yeah."

Simon said into the phone, "Lincoln says she's there."

A pause.

"Yeah, I believe him. Why would he lie?"

A pause.

"Well, if she went on one trip without you guyses permission, and she got in big trouble, what makes you think she'd do it again?"

A pause.

"No, Luna's really nice. You've met her."

A pause.

"What does 'corrupting' mean?"

A longer pause.

"No, I don't think she is."

Another pause.

"Mom, I'm sure she's fine."

A pause.

"I'm glad, too. See you tomorrow! Bye!"

Simon hung up the phone.

Lincoln asked, "What was that all about?"

Simon replied, "Oh, Mom called. She said she got a message on her phone that the alarm went off. She was just checking to make sure I was okay. She says she didn't know that you were babysitting me. She also said something about Luna... what was the word? She thinks Luna is corrupting Sam."

Lincoln nodded. "All right. Well, as best as I can tell, she's not."

"Yeah, I thought so."

They sat there in silence for a minute.

Lincoln finally asked, "Well, what do you wanna do?"

Simon looked around.

His gaze lingered on a throw pillow resting askew on the recliner.

His smile slowly widened.

Simon grabbed the pillow, then lunged at Lincoln, yelling, "PILLOW FIGHT!"

Lincoln yelled and dodged out of the way. He grabbed a bolster and came up swinging. Simon blocked his blows, then hit him in the stomach. Lincoln stood back up, knocked Simon's pillow aside, then smacked him on the side of the head. Simon reeled from the blow and fell to the floor, his pillow still clutched in his hands.

Lincoln dropped the bolster and called, "Simon! Are you okay?"

Simon didn't respond, but a corner of his mouth turned upwards in a small smirk.

Lincoln knelt down next to Simon to inspect him.

Simon's eyes opened and his grin reappeared.

He yelled, "GOTCHA!" and struck Lincoln square in the face with the fluffy pillow.

Lincoln fell backwards onto the couch. "Touché," he mumbled.

Simon did a little victory dance. "Lincoln! You're awesome! You're the best babysitter I've ever had!"

Lincoln replied, "You've only had me babysit you for twenty minutes now."

"Yeah, but you're still awesome!"

Lincoln grinned. He muttered to himself, "Boy, am I gonna rub that in Lori's face when I get home."

Simon asked, "Who's Lori? Is she your GIRRRL-FRIEEEEND?"

Lincoln recoiled. "Ew, no! She's my sister! And she thought I wouldn't be a very good babysitter!"

Simon laughed. "Well, she's wrong! You know sisters; they're never right."

Lincoln shrugged. "Well, mine have been right more often than I have. I guess that's to be expected when you have ten sisters."

Simon's eyes widened. "Ten sisters? That's crazy! I have a hard enough time just putting up with Sam! I can't imagine what you go through!"

Lincoln shrugged again. "Well, if you'd grown up in it, you'd be used to it by now."

"I guess you're right."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One hundred brownie points will go to whomever can tell me what musical I reference in this chapter.
> 
> HOORAY FOR VIOLENCE AGAINST PILLOWS!
> 
> See you next week!


	4. Sports Writing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm back. Sorry about the whole "going-on-hiatus" thing that popped up out of the blue. As reparations, I'm going to give you two chapters today!
> 
> If you're bothered by the LynnxTanya thing, I recommend skipping this chapter. Or just not reading the story.
> 
> Finally, shoutout to Moon5555, who gave me the idea to make a drawing of Simon. I'm going to post it as the cover image for this story, and I'll put it on my DeviantArt page, too, once it's done.
> 
> Enjoy!

Back at the Loud House, the time was now 4:22 pm. Sam had looked away to clear a few levels on _Marvel Future Fight_. One minute turned into ten, as it always seemed to. When she looked back up, the Loud girls had all disappeared.

Sam muttered to herself, "Oh great. I'm the worst babysitter ever." She stashed her phone in her side pocket and called, "Guys? Where are you?"

Lana called back down, "We're upstairs!"

Sam dashed up the stairs to check on her charges.

She turned a sharp (no pun intended) left and tried to pull open the door to the right of the bathroom. It wouldn't budge. She tried pushing it in, again to no avail. Sam finally saw the keypad to the right, and a small sign under it that said, "Lori and Leni's Room. Do Not Trespass under Penalty of Human Pretzel-ing". She shrugged and stepped away.

Sam opened the door to the room to the right, only to find Luna and Luan's room. Upon closer inspection, she discovered that there were no children hidden in the room and that Luna had a discreet collection of polka CDs stashed under her bed.

Sam shut the door, then opened the door to the left of the bathroom. She saw the inside of Lynn and Lucy's room, but not Lucy. She did, however, see a child-size coffin sitting on top of Lucy's bed. Weirded out, she chose to not investigate further.

Sam opened the door to the room on the right of Luna and Luan's room and saw Lola and Lana sitting on their respective beds, twiddling their thumbs.

Sam furrowed her brow. "What are you guys doing?"

Lana replied, "When Lori babysits us, she usually makes us sit quietly on our beds until it's time to sleep."

"What? That's ridiculous!"

Lola responded, "Well, it keeps us from destroying the house."

Sam remarked, "I can imagine so. Where's Lucy? She wasn't in her room."

"Oh, she's in her room. She's probably lying in her coffin."

Sam recoiled in shock. "What?"

Lola raised an eyebrow and punched a fist into her hand. "You need those hearing aids retuned?"

Sam blushed slightly. "No, I got them checked a week ago."

Wanting to make sure that Lola's claim was accurate, Sam reentered Lynn and Lucy's room. She carefully lifted up the lid of the coffin and peered inside.

Lucy hissed and cowered from her sudden exposure to light.

Sam yelped and dropped the lid back down. She hastily retreated to Lola and Lana's room.

"You were right."

Lola grinned. "Told ya."

Sam sat down on the end of Lana's bed, narrowly avoiding squashing Hops in the process. "So, whaddya guys wanna do?"

Lola thought for a moment, then grinned maliciously. "I've got a great idea. Follow me."

She hopped off her bed and paced to Lynn and Lucy's room. Sam and Lana followed closely behind.

As Lola opened the door, Sam's phone rang. She answered it, saying "Hang on a minute" to Lola.

Through her phone, Sam's mom said, "Samantha Sharp! Why didn't you tell me that you were leaving Simon at home with a babysitter?"

Sam's eyes widened. "Oh, jeez, Mom, I'm so sorry that I forgot! Yeah, no, he's in good hands."

Her mother replied, "Well, you'd better get back home to him as soon as possible, and that's an order!"

Sam grimaced. "Uh... I'm babysitting for Luna's siblings. See, she and her older sisters are out of the-"

"Why didn't you tell me this?"

"It was a last-minute thing. Again, I'm sorry."

"You know how I don't like having you hang out with that girl. She's a corrupting influence."

Sam rolled her eyes. "Mom, you say that all the time. I'm fine. I haven't turned into some delinquent druggie because of her. And I'm not hanging out with her; I'm babysitting her little sisters."

Sam's mother audibly sighed. "You know that I worry about you, right?"

"Yes. I know."

"Okay. Stay safe, make sure your little brother is safe too, and be home by no later than 10. Make sure to call me from the house phone when you're home."

"Uh, gotcha."

"All right, see you on Sunday!"

Sam grinned. "See ya!" She ended the call and pocketed her phone. "Sorry about that call. So, Lola, what were you gonna show me?"

Lola regained her malicious sneer. "Take a look at this."

Lola reached into Lynn's backpack, which was strewn on her bed alongside a mess of sports paraphernalia and school worksheets. She pulled out a small orange notebook, which was labeled in barely-decipherable handwriting, "EnglIsh jOurnAl".

Sam shifted on her seat on top of Lynn's hockey bag, which was not incredibly comfortable. "What's in that?"

Lana facepalmed. "Don't tell me you're gonna read her those poems."

Lola snapped back, "I'm not gonna read all of them! I'm only gonna read the ones where I know most of the words!"

Befuddled, Sam asked, "Poems? What're they about?"

Lola grinned maniacally and replied, "You'll see."

Sam was rather disturbed by Lola's tone of voice, and she shifted uncomfortably.

Lola thumbed through the notebook until she found a page near the end. She scanned it and nodded. "This is the one. I know all these words."

Sam smiled. "Let's hear it, then!"

With some stumbling, Lola read the following:

"Perhaps I'm just confused.

"Perhaps it's just a phase.

"But I can't deny it.

"I can't stand the way she sneers maliciously at me with that endearing twinkle in her eyes.

"I can't stand the warmth of her hand pressing against my neck as she grasps my shirt collar in a chokehold."

Sam's eyes widened.

Lola continued: "I can't stand the adorable way in which she stomps on my toes in the hallway.

"No matter how I rant at and about her, I can't ever stay mad at her for long.

"There's something about that girl that makes me grit my teeth in a shy smile whenever she walks by.

"Something about her makes me want to cake my palm in mud and caress the bridge of her nose.

"Something about her makes me want to put her in a loving Indian burn.

"Maybe there's something wrong with me.

"Would 'frenemy' be the right word?

"No. It's something more.

"Is it love?

"I wouldn't know.

"But there's something about you, Tanya."

Lola ended her storytelling session with a smug smile, then looked back down at the page. Her smirk vanished instantly.

"Lola, if you're reading this, I promise I will snap all your tiaras in half if you tell anyone about this.

"Your loving sister, Lynn".

Lola paused, mulling over the significance of the statement.

"Well, drat."

Sam nodded. "That's one way to put it."

Lana piped up, "You got me back at 'mud' but lost me again at 'caress'."

Sam commented, "The girl's more poetic than I would have anticipated."

Lola shrugged. "I don't know what 'pontificated' means, but okay. Wanna hear another one?"

"Sure!" Sam replied, maybe a little too quickly.

Lana pouted. "No."

Lola retorted, "Nobody cares about your opinion."

She flipped the notebook open to another page. "Ooh! This one's got some good bits, but I don't know all the words. Can you help me read it?"

Sam nodded and moved so that she could read over Lola's shoulder.

Lola began: "But what's in a name?

"I thought you were something else, but then you changed that.

"Now, you are, uh..."

Lola paused and turned to Sam. "What does that word mean?" she asked, pointing to the paper.

Sam looked at the notebook and read what was written on it. Her ears turned red, and she slammed the book shut. She replied hastily, "Uh, never mind that. Do you, uh, wanna go have a tea party or something?"

Lola's expression brightened. "Would I ever! Let's do it!"

She sprang up, knocking the book onto the ground, and rushed for the door, then stopped.

"Hey, quick question. Do you mind if we make it a Mafia tea party?"

Sam smiled; she loved _The Godfather_ , and she was too preoccupied with what Lynn had written in her notebook to wonder why a six-year-old girly-girl would want a Mafia-themed tea party. "Sure thing."

Lola replied, "Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and set up. Come down in a few minutes!"

Sam waved as Lola ran to her room.

Lana turned to Sam. "You really wanna go through with this?"

Sam shrugged. "How bad could it get?"

Lana started, "You don't wanna-"

Lola called from down the hall, "LANA! GET YOUR REAR IN GEAR AND HELP ME CARRY THE ORANGES!"

Lana hopped up, picked up Hops, and ran out of the room. "Sorry, Sam. Duty calls."

Sam remained in the room until she was sure that both the twins were out of view. She then picked up Lynn's notebook and flipped it open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was originally going to publish the poem that Lynn wrote as a stand-alone fic, but once I decided to work LynnxTanya into this story, I thought it would be fitting to put the poem in this story.
> 
> See you in a few!


	5. Two Parts Filler, One Part In-Joke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own WikiHow or the WikiHow article from which I quote (and intentionally mispronounce words). (It's a real article. I looked it up as research for this piece.) The site's a lifesaver, though.
> 
> Enjoy!

Lincoln and Simon abruptly stopped pillow fighting when one pillow landed in a small bowl of red chili sauce that had been left out on the side table. It was now 4:36.

Simon was the first to break the awkward silence. "Aw fiddlesticks. That was Mom's wedding gift."

Lincoln turned as white as the pillow had once been. "Oh jeez. Now what?"

Simon retorted, "I thought you were in charge around here now! You should know what to do!"

Lincoln threw up his hands. "I've never been in charge before - well, only once, but my oldest sister was still there to bail me out - so what should I know?"

"How do you clean red sauce off of a pillow?"

"I don't know; Lori always did the laundry!"

Simon leaned in towards Lincoln, his expression one of both befuddlement and fury. "Yeah, well, my dad does ours, so how should I know?"

Lincoln gritted his teeth. "Well, neither of us knows. So, like I said, what do we do?"

Simon replied, "Like I said, I thought YOU were in charge! You should know!"

"No, I shouldn't!" Lincoln balled his hands into fists.

"Yeah, you should!" Simon did likewise.

"Should not!"

"Should too!"

Lincoln was on the verge of rushing at his charge before he realised how puerile he was acting. He took a deep breath. "Hold on, now. Hold on. Let's try to work together instead of attacking each other."

Simon relaxed his guard. "You're right."

Lincoln nodded. "Okay." He thought for a moment. "All right, let's put Operation: Clean Off the Pillow into action! Step one: get the pillow out of the sauce."

He reached over to the bowl and extracted the pillow, holding it by an unstained corner.

"Step two: bring it over to the sink and try not to let it drip everywhere."

Lincoln was about to carry the pillow across the floor when Simon spoke up. "Hey, what if I held the bowl under the pillow to catch drips?"

Lincoln grinned. "Great idea!"

Simon picked up the bowl and held it underneath the pillow while they moved into the kitchen. Lincoln quickly tossed the pillow into the sink.

"Okay, step three: rinse off the pillow to get the big chunks of sauce off."

Lincoln turned on the faucet and ran warm water over the pillow. A little of the salsa ran down the drain, but most of it remained on the pillow.

"Step four: use a sponge to scrub the afflicted area."

Simon grabbed a sponge from underneath the sink, drizzled some dish soap onto it, then stopped abruptly. "Hold on. Do you think we really should be scrubbing a knitted pillow with soap?"

Lincoln paused. "Yeah, you're right. But then how do you wash it?"

Simon shrugged. "I dunno, the washing machine? The dry-cleaners?"

Lincoln sighed and replied, "Well, neither of us know how to use a washing machine, and the dry-cleaners is too far away."

Simon sat down heavily on a chair. "This sucks."

"Yeah. I kinda wish it had been white sauce."

"No way! Red sauce is way better than white sauce!"

Lincoln sat down next to him. "Not when you spill it on white pillows, it's not."

They sat in silence for a minute.

Simon asked, "Why don't we ask the internet?"

Lincoln's eyes widened. "Why didn't I think of that?"

Simon hopped up and ran out of the room. "There's a computer in here! Come on, let's go!"

Lincoln followed Simon as he darted down the hall and into the first door on the left. He promptly came back out, shaking his head, saying, "No, that's the bathroom." Simon dashed into the room on the right of the bathroom. Lincoln followed him.

They arrived in a fairly small room with tan walls and a hardwood floor adorned with a faded elliptical rug. The walls were almost completely covered with posters, mostly of rock bands and famous musicians but also of assorted superheroes. A loft bed stood on the right side of the room, adorned with a light blue comforter, and a keyboard and small bookshelf filled with sheet music and comic books sat on the floor under the bed. A black laptop covered with various band and superhero decals rested on a dresser just to the left of the window in the far wall.

Simon walked over to the laptop, opened it, and powered it on. "This is my sister's room," he explained.

Lincoln nodded, looking around at all of the posters. A couple superhero pictures looked like they were hand-drawn (not particularly well, though).

Simon entered a passcode into the laptop, then opened up the Macrosoft Edgelord browser. "What do I search for?"

Lincoln replied, "Uh... Step 5: Open up WikiHow."

Simon ran a Gogol search for the site and opened it up. "Now what?"

"Search for 'how to clean salsa off of a knitted pillow'."

Simon obliged. "I dunno what any of these titles mean."

"Just look for one that might work." Lincoln paced back and forth.

After a moment, Simon responded, "What about this one? It says, uh, 'How to Wash Marinara Wool'."

Lincoln strode over to look at the computer. "That says 'Merino Wool', but knitted things are normally made from wool, so let's give it a shot. Step 6: Follow the instructions in the article."

Simon read: "'Method 1: Hand-Washing. 1. Get a wool-pacific soap.'" He turned to Lincoln. "I dunno what that means."

"Neither do I. I'm guessing you guys don't have it. Skip to the next method."

"Okay. 'Method 2: Using a Washing Machine. 1. Wash smaller gar-' uh, what does that word mean?"

Lincoln peered over the younger boy's shoulder. "That says 'garments'. It's a fancy word for clothing."

"Oh. Okay."

Lincoln sighed and stretched backwards. "Looks like we'll have to figure out how to use a washing machine."

"Yup. Let's give it a try, then."

Lincoln nodded and picked up the pillow. "Where's your laundry room?"

"In the basement. Follow me."

Simon closed the lid on Sam's laptop and headed out of the room. "Oh, by the way, don't tell Sam that I got into her laptop. She'll get really mad at me if she knows I was using it."

"Gotcha."

The two boys both climbed down the stairs to the basement.

As they descended, Lincoln asked, "D'you think we should maybe consult the internet about how to use this thing?"

Simon replied with a confident smile, "Nah, I'm sure we can figure it out."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you next week!


	6. I Know Nothing About The Godfather

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look, I'm back to posting on schedule again. [wild, sarcastic applause] I hope it keeps up.
> 
> Enjoy!

The time was now 4:48, and Lori was trying to find a place to park.

"We really should have gone to the playhouse outside of the city..." she grumbled as she sped through a yellow light.

"Just pull over already," fretted Lynn, her voice muffled by Leni, who was sitting on her lap.

"Hee hee!" giggled Leni. "That tickles!"

Pop-Pop pointed to the right at a tall building. "Hey, I think that's one!"

Lori veered to the right, then quickly turned back onto the road. Several cars honked at her. "Pop-Pop, that's a police office, not a parking garage!"

"Oh. Sorry. I think I left my glasses at home."

Luna removed an earbud and pointed out, "They're on top of your head."

"Oh, that's right!" Pop-Pop settled the spectacles onto his nose. "Thank you, Lucy!"

"I'm Luna."

"Right. Sorry. There's so many of you, it's hard to keep track. Now, which one of you is Lucy again?"

"Did you not hear me the first dozen times? Pull! Over! I! Want! To! Breathe!" Lynn complained.

"All right, all right! Hold your horses!" snapped Lori.

Befuddled, Leni said, "But, like, there are no horses here. This is a city, not a country!"

Lori facepalmed, then promptly put her hand back on the steering wheel. "Leni, it's a figure of speech."

"But Lisa said that numbers were figures! I didn't say any numbers!" Leni tilted her head to the side. "Do you want me to?"

Lori let out a prolonged sigh. "If you must."

Leni started counting slowly. "Uh, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13..."

Luna turned to Luan, raising her eyebrows and proffering an earbud. "You sure you don't wanna tune them out?"

Luan shook her head and went back to taking notes. "Nah. This trip may be a GAS, but it's giving me some great material!"

Luna reinserted her earbuds.

After what felt like eons, Lori finally pulled into a parking garage. "Okay, I finally found a pl-"

No sooner had Lori put the car in park than did Lynn shove Leni off of her, slam open the door, and attempt to leap out of the car, only to be restrained by both her seat belt and Leni. She cursed loudly.

"Hey hey hey! Take a chill pill!" said Luna, who had safely unbuckled and exited the car.

"I need to friggin' BREATHE! LET ME OUT, LENI!"

With some difficulty, Leni managed to unbuckle the seat belt and disentangle both herself and her impatient sister. "Okay, here you go!"

Lynn fell out of the car, sustaining a mild bruise on the forehead. She swore again.

Luan got out of the car on the same side as Luna. "All right already! CARn't you see we're here now? Don't go DRIVING us crazy!" She giggled.

Everyone, even Pop-Pop, groaned.

"You fools have no taste." Luan pretended to sulk.

Lori pulled out her phone and opened up Google Maps. "Okay, the playhouse is a... twenty-four minute walk from here?" She groaned in frustration. "Oh, come on! We're literally gonna miss the play!"

Leni frowned. "Aw man! We're totes gonna miss the previews!"

Lynn, who was massaging her sore forehead, replied, "There aren't any previews at plays."

"Oh. There aren't? Then why did we get here so early if the play's supposed to start at 6:30?"

Lori stared ahead blankly.

Luan waved a hand in front of her elder sister's face. Lori didn't respond.

Luna removed an earbud and asked, "Hello? This is ground control to Major Lori. Can you hear m-"

Lori abruptly cut her off by cussing loudly. "I thought we got tickets for the 5:00 showing! I wouldn't have left so early otherwise!"

Luna replied, "Relax. We're gonna get there in plenty of time. And in the meanwhile, we can go grab dinner or something. Every little thing is gonna be all right."

Luan added, "Yeah, what she said! Stop ACTing up!"

Lori gritted her teeth and clenched her fists but refrained from exacting harm on anyone. "Come on, guys. The playhouse is this way."

Everybody followed Lori as she led them out of the parking garage and down the street.

As they walked along, Luna's phone vibrated loudly. She picked it up; it was a call from the house phone. She answered the call. "Hello?"

Lola replied, in a terrible mockery of an Italian accent, "Hello, child. This is Loud speaking. We have the girl in our custody."

Luna grimaced. "You have what?"

"The girl. If you but pay us a small fee, you can get her back."

"Who're you talking about?"

Lola barely refrained from giggling but managed to speak in a fairly monotone manner. "She, ahem, she is someone quite dear to you."

Luna faintly heard Sam say, "Who are you talking to?" Her eyes widened.

Luna cupped her hand over her mouth and whispered into the phone, "Please don't tell me you're holding Sam hostage."

Lola replied, after a quick giggle, "I never said that. You had figured it out for yourself."

Luna shook her head in disbelief. "I told you to cut it out with the mafia tea parties!"

Lola broke character and returned to her normal voice. "You never said that!"

"Yes, I did!" Luna turned away from the phone. "Lynn! Didn't I tell Lola to stop doing the mafia tea parties?"

Lynn, who was absent-mindedly kicking a pebble down the sidewalk as they went, replied, "Yeah, sure, whatever."

Luna turned back to the phone. "Lynn says I said it!"

"Yeah, but I don't remember."

Sam yelled, "Lunes! Is that you? Tell your crazy sister to get me out of these ropes!"

Luna gritted her teeth. "What. Have. You. Done. To. Sam."

Lola regained her horrendous accent. "She is, I admit, not in the goodest hands, but we are taking care of her."

"Untie her. Right this instant."

Lola replied, breaking character again, "But... We're holding her hostage! You can't just tell me to untie her!"

"I can, and I will. Or else I'm telling Mom and Dad. And they'll be ticked off."

"Yeah, well, Sam wanted to play tea party with us! She should have known what she was getting into!"

"You can't just go holding your babysitter hostage!"

"Yeah I can! I just did!"

Luna facepalmed and sighed heavily. "Let me talk to Lana."

Lola said, "All right. Fine. Here she is."

There was a pause, then Lana said, "This better be important. I'm busy guarding the prisoner."

Luna replied in a voice shot through with exasperation, "Sam's not your prisoner! She's your babysitter! And she's my friend! Untie her right now!"

Lana paused, then asked, "What's in it for me?"

Luna nearly threw her phone on the ground in fury. "You're not getting nothing! Let her go! That's an order!"

"Or else...?"

"Or else unspecified yet terrifying threat! Something involving a baseball bat!"

Lynn turned to Luna, suddenly interested. "What's that about baseball?"

Lana said, her voice muffled, "No, Lucy. We're not burning her at the steak. We don't even have a grill."

Luna yelled, "Lucy! Tell your sister to untie the friggin' babysitter!"

She looked up and saw her sisters, Pop-Pop, and about five or six passersby staring at her outburst.

Luna grinned uneasily. "Uh, it's nothing."

Leni ran up to Luna. "Is Lucy, like, trapped in the box, now, too? Here! I'll get her out!"

Leni attempted to grab Luna's phone from her, but Luna held it out of her reach. "Stop it! There's nobody trapped in the stupid phone! Go away!"

Leni retreated several paces, looking hurt. Lori glared at Luna. Luna sighed, looking defeated.

"I'm sorry I snapped. It's just... Lola's got Sam tied up as part of her whole mafia tea party schtick. I can't get her or Lana to let her loose."

Lori held out her hand. Luna handed over her phone. "You got this, sis."

Lori put on her game face. "Who's this on the line right now?"

A pause.

"Put Lola on the line."

A pause. Lori scowled.

"I don't care how busy she says she is! Literally put her on!"

A long pause.

"Don't you DARE hang up on me, missy!"

Another pause.

Lori muttered, "Jesus Christ."

She spoke into the phone in a sarcastic tone: "No, I want you to throw her into a river with concrete blocks lashed to the chair."

A pause. Luna snickered under her breath.

Lori yelled, "I was joking! Don't do that!"

A pause.

"You're not welcome, and it's a TERRIBLE idea!" Lori gnashed her teeth together, looking ready to tie somebody into a human pretzel.

Another pause.

Lori sighed. "No, we're not gonna give you anything."

A pause.

"I don't care if I can't refuse it. I literally refuse it. Now listen. Let me set forth MY terms. If you let Sam loose immediately after I hang up, I will refrain from snapping all your tiaras in half. I will also refrain from telling Mom and Dad about this whole scenario. I will ask Sam immediately after we arrive home about what transpired after you hung up. I trust you to not bribe her into lying. If you attempt to bribe her, I will exact my revenge on you in some manner. Maybe you'll wake up to find the deceased carcass of your favourite Brat Pack doll in your bed. Maybe you'll find yourself six feet under the house, trapped in the dark basement. Who knows?"

A long pause. Lori facepalmed.

"I know that. Now, I'm going to hang up now. You'd better hold true to my terms now, you hear?"

A brief pause.

Lori smiled. "Good. See you later."

Lori hung up the phone. Luna took her phone back and put it in her jacket pocket. "Wow. I really suck at this whole preventing-chaos thing, don't I?"

Lori nodded, a wry grin spreading across her face. "You'll learn. Eventually. Probably."

Luan piped up, "To think that you actually WANTED your girlfriend unti-"

Luna snapped, "She's NOT my girlfriend! Not yet, at least! And that's just wrong!"

Luan held up her hands defensively. "Sheesh! I was just trying to make a joke!"

"Like always," muttered Lynn.

Pop-Pop raised an eyebrow. "What's this about a girlfriend? You talking about that little Hispanic kid that Lincoln's always talk-"

"Never mind it," Luna interrupted, a blush starting to spread across her face.

Pop-Pop pressed his knuckles to his forehead in an effort to think. "Okay, I get what your angle is here. So... let me explain something." He lowered his fist and looked directly at Luna. "Luna, I don't love you any less for your choices... but it's like you're trying on a new pair of pants or something. You may end up liking them, you may not, but other people may find them hideous. People may only see you for the pants, not for who you are. I, and all the important people, the people who care for you, the people who matter, will see you for you, not for your fashion statement. And it's your right to choose what pants you wear, I guess. So... I'm not gonna condemn you for anything. And I love you just the same."

Luna smiled in a mildly pained manner. "All right. Thanks for understanding."

Luan turned to Luna and whispered, "I don't really think he gets it."

Luna whispered back, "It's a tolerable sort of intolerance."

They both shrugged and kept walking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the story still qualifies as K+ after Luan's quip there.
> 
> See you next week! I hope!


	7. Punny Title Involving the Word Dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SO SORRY THAT THIS CHAPTER IS LATE! (And it's like three weeks late; that's a bad sign...) I've been pretty busy as of late, and I'm losing my motivation for some of my fics because I'm getting wrapped up in work for a bigger one. I need to finish this story before I transfer over all my motivation.
> 
> Enjoy!

Wiping the spray of water from his brow, Simon finished hosing off the washing machine. "Did you get the smoke alarm yet?" he called up to Lincoln, who was balanced precariously on the railing above the foyer.

Lincoln snapped the cover back into place, then climbed down. "Yup. Thank God that's over with. It's a shame about the pillow, though."

Simon put a hand to his heart, which happened to be the hand holding the hose, which he had neglected to turn off. "Yes. Its death was indeed tragic. Now, can we get dinner?"

Lincoln leaned over the railing, looking down at Simon. "Yeah, but turn off the hose first."

Simon looked down at his shirt, which was now sopping wet. "Oh." He dropped the hose, walked to the nozzle, and turned it off. "I was wondering why my shirt felt so cold."

Lincoln straightened up and started to walk into the kitchen. "So, is there anything in particular that you want?"

Simon shrugged, ascending the stairs.

Lincoln turned around. "What was that?"

Simon shrugged again.

Lincoln said, "You know, I can't hear you when you shrug. You gotta use your words."

"Or I could shrug louder."

"Good luck with that."

Simon promptly began trying to shrug loudly.

* * *

Lola struggled with the knots holding Sam to the chair before finally giving up. "Ugh. Lana, can you get me the saw?"

Lana snapped to attention. "On it." She strode through the door.

Sam became concerned. "The saw?"

"Yes, the saw. I can't get this stupid knot undone, so I'm gonna saw through it."

"Why don't you use scissors to just cut the string?"

Lola looked at Sam, baffled. "But you can't get off the string if it's still got a knot in it!"

Sam attempted to facepalm but was stopped by the string. She sighed and shrugged instead. The strings loosened up, and she easily slipped out of them.

Lola stared at her. "I really need to work on my knot-tying."

Lana returned, holding a hacksaw. "Maybe if you hadn't gotten the both of us kicked out of Bluebell Scouts, you'd know how to tie knots!"

Lola clenched her fists. "That's as much your fault as it is mine!"

"Yeah, but you admit it! It's somewhat your fault! Which means you're to blame!"

Sam stood up and positioned herself between the feuding twins. "Hey, hey, hey. Calm down, guys. Uh, how about we get some dinner?"

Both Lola and Lana's faces brightened. "Sure!" they responded simultaneously.

Sam said, "I'd better tell the others." She walked out of the room and narrowly avoided crashing into Lisa, who was holding a test tube full of some fizzing concoction with tongs.

Lisa yelled, "Hey! Pay attention to your surroundings! I could very well have poured this volatile compound all over your garments, and they would have disintegrated! You do not want to tamper with the forces of science while unprotected!"

Sam said, "I assume you're not interested in getting dinner, then?"

Lisa's eyebrows raised. "I may consider the acquisition of nutrition to be merely a secondary goal, but if I were to neglect it entirely, I would be rendered unable to pursue my scientific endeavours. Please, do inform me as to what sort of meal you were considering."

Sam frowned. "Uh, English, please?"

Lisa sighed. "You foolish adolescents. Youth is indeed wasted on the young."

Lucy said, "I think she means that she does want food, but she said something about it not being as important as science. She wants to know what you were going to make."

Sam jumped, nearly bumping into Lisa, who had seen Lucy approaching.

Lisa exclaimed, "Please do utilise the proper precautions around volatile chemicals!"

Sam sighed. "Lucy, are you hungry?"

"I could eat."

"Okay, then I'm gonna see what's in the fridge." Sam walked downstairs.

* * *

Pop-Pop, Lori, and the rest of the older Loud sisters rounded yet another corner, then stopped just before a crosswalk, waiting for the light to change.

Luan took the opportunity to lean against a lamppost and catch a quick breath. "This has been a long walk," she remarked.

The light turned green. Lori snapped to attention and immediately led the girls and their grandfather across the crosswalk.

Luan rose to her feet slowly and followed behind half-heartedly.

Lori said, "Come on, Luan! Pick up the pace! There's no time to waste! We have to find a place to eat!"

Luan begrudgingly hurried her steps. "Make that forced march," she muttered under her breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

"I thought so. All right, keep on the lookout. Tell me when you see a place to eat."

Leni asked, "Why don't you just look on the internet for a place?"

Lori replied, "Because then we may literally have to leave our route to the playhouse. We don't have time for that."

"I thought we had plenty of time," inquired Lynn.

Lori didn't respond.

Luna pointed. "Hey, look, it's the Hard Rock Café! Let's eat there!"

Lori turned and saw a giant neon guitar protruding from a storefront. "All right, that's fine by me. What do the rest of you think?"

Leni furrowed her brow. "I don't wanna eat in a place where all they serve is rocks!"

Lori sighed. "They serve actual food there, Leni."

"Not just rocks? That's totes great, then!"

Lori asked, "Pop-Pop? Is that okay with you?"

Pop-Pop replied, "Yeah, sure! I haven't been in one in a while!"

"How about you, Luan?"

Luan said, "I think that would ROCK!"

"Okay. Lynn?"

Lynn replied, "Sure."

Lori turned towards the restaurant. "Then let's go."

* * *

Lincoln pulled out two cups of microwaveable mac 'n' cheese from the cabinet. "Okay, I think I remember how to make those."

Simon picked one up and observed the printing on it. "There's instructions on the side."

Lincoln nodded. "Gotcha. Step one: fill cup to line with water." He tore off the plastic cover and looked inside the cup. "I don't see any line."

Simon replied, "Maybe they mean to fill it to the top."

Lincoln shrugged. "I'll give it a go."

Lincoln stuck the cup under the faucet and filled it with water until just below the rim of the cup. He removed it and set it on the counter, turning off the faucet in the process.

"All right," Lincoln said, bending over so that he could read the writing on the cup. "Step two: microwave on HIGH for... oh wait." Lincoln pulled a soggy paper bag out of the cup. "I forgot to take out the cheese powder."

Simon grimaced. "Ew."

Lincoln carefully set the packet on the counter. "O-kay, this can be my cup, then."

Simon said, "If you really want it, you can have it."

Lincoln continued to read the directions: "Step two: microwave on HIGH for 3:30."

Simon looked at the clock; it read 5:10 pm. "What do you do if it's not that time?"

Lincoln sighed. "No, I need to microwave it for three minutes and thirty seconds."

Simon nodded. "Oh. I get it."

Lincoln opened up the microwave door, cautiously picked up the cup, and placed it inside the microwave. He set the timer and turned on the microwave.

"All right, now while we wait, we can get started on your cup. And maybe we should turn on the lights; it's kind of dark in here."

Simon tore off the lid of his cup and removed the cheese packet while Lincoln switched on the lights.

Simon exclaimed, "I see the line!"

Lincoln rushed over. Sure enough, there was a faint line marked in the inside of the cup with print above it which read, "DO NOT FILL ABOVE LINE".

Lincoln and Simon exchanged looks.

"Whoops." Lincoln smiled hokily.

Simon shrugged. "I'll do this one."

He filled the cup with water and placed it on the counter underneath the microwave. Once the microwave sounded, he removed Lincoln's cup, placed it on the counter, then inserted his own and started the microwave. "Careful, it's hot," he warned.

Lincoln carefully tore open the packet of cheese powder, which had now liquefied due to being saturated with water. "Ew." He dumped it out over the cooked yet waterlogged macaroni and stirred it with a spoon. "I doubt this will taste good."

Simon said, "You don't have to eat it, you know."

"And let it go to waste? No, I'm not doing that!"

Simon shrugged. "Your call."

* * *

Sam looked through the fridge to see what she could possibly throw together for both herself and the four girls, who were now gathered around the kitchen table. She muttered to herself all the while. "Okay... here's some deli ham... and a hunk of cheddar cheese... let's see if there's bread anywhere."

Sam peered through the pantry and found a bag of grinder rolls. "This'll do."

She removed the bag from the pantry and set it on the counter. She said to Lucy, Lola, Lana, and Lisa, "Okay, tonight, we're gonna have ham-and-cheese grinders. Get yourselves some plates."

Lola obediently stood up, walked to the cupboard, and failed to reach the door. "I can't get them!" she complained.

Lisa spoke up. "You have not reached a sufficient vertical stature such as is necessary to acquire the plates without physical assistance."

Sam paused, then spoke up. "Wait. You mean she's not tall enough?"

"Indubitably."

"Could you please actually speak English?"

"I am."

Lucy walked over to the cabinet and, with some difficulty, managed to grab five plates.

"Could you speak normal-person English?"

Lisa grimaced. "And potentially risk decreasing my intellect?"

Lucy retrieved four grinder rolls from the counter and set one on each plate. She then opened the refrigerator door to fetch the ham and cheese.

"Talking normally never killed any brain cells."

Lisa raised an eyebrow. "Do you possess scientific proof?"

"No, but..."

"To be frank, your claim would constitute a most fascinating study."

Sam nodded. "I... I guess I'm glad I'm contributing to science."

Lucy laid ham and cheese onto each grinder roll.

"I will accredit you in my research paper if you so desire."

"Uh, yeah, okay, thanks."

Lucy took a knife from another drawer.

"Would you like to participate in or oversee the study?"

Sam shook her head. "You do you. I got enough to worry about with physics labs."

Lucy asked, "Sam, do you want one and a half grinders?"

Everybody jumped.

Sam looked at how Lucy had prepared four sandwiches. "Uh, thanks so much for getting all that ready! And..." Sam performed a quick mental calculation. "...Yeah, that'll be fine."

Lucy nodded and started trying to saw one grinder in half.

Sam stood up. "Here, let me do that." She took the knife and cut cleanly through two of the grinders, putting a half of each one onto its own plate. She put one whole grinder on its own plate and put the other on a plate with a half grinder.

Sam asked, "Why did you start getting everything ready?"

"Because I was hungry and you were taking too long."

Sam nodded, then passed out the plates. "You sure you'll eat a whole grinder?"

"Probably."

Lana shouted, "Hey! Lola's grinder is bigger than mine!"

Lola replied, "No it's not! Yours is bigger!"

Sam held out her hands, saying, "Hey, hey, hey! Chill, guys!"

Lisa raised her hand. "I propose a solution. Lana ought to bisect Lola's grinder half, and Lola should then select which half she desires. Then, they could-"

Sam said, "Shut up. This is my problem to solve." She turned to the feuding twins. "Guys?"

They looked up at her.

"You get what you get and you don't get upset, got that?"

The twins nodded.

"And if I hear another peep out of either of you that you're not happy with your sandwich, you don't get to eat your sandwich. Got that?"

The twins nodded.

Sam smiled. "All right. Dig in, guys."

* * *

At long last, a waiter arrived at Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, and Pop-Pop's table to take their order. "Good evening, folks. My name is Justin and I'll be your server this evening. What would you all like to eat?"

Lori said, "I'd like a burger, please."

Leni said, "I'll take the burger, too. Hold the rocks."

Justin frowned. "Miss, we don't actu-"

Luna interrupted him. "Don't worry 'bout it. I'mma have a burger, too. It better be rocking!"

Justin said, "Like I was going to say, we-"

Luan said, "I would like a burger. And a glass of water, on the ROCKS!" She laughed.

Justin groaned in exasperation. "How about you, sir?"

Pop-Pop said, "I'd also like a burger."

Lynn said, "Me too."

Justin scribbled on his notepad. "All right, so that's six burgers. Now, what-"

Luna flipped through the menu quickly. "Nah, hold on. I'd like the chicken parm instead."

Justin nodded. "That's fine. So, that's five burgers and-"

"Wait, they have chicken parm? Actually, I want that!" exclaimed Lori.

"Okay, four burgers, two-"

Leni interrupted Justin. "Chicken parm? I thought the menu said 'chicken prom'. That explains a lot. Will it still be served in a tux?"

"No, miss, it won't. What do-"

Leni continued, "That's fine. I don't like dressing on chicken. I'll take the chicken parm."

"Yeah, me too," added Lynn and Pop-Pop.

Justin appeared very flustered. "So, then, that's five chi-"

"Actually, I think I'll take that instead of the burger, too. I'm not CHICKEN, but I'm brave enough to eat it!" giggled Luan.

Justin sighed. "Six chicken parmesans. Now, how about dr-"

Pop-Pop asked, "Chicken parm? I thought you said chicken cordon bleu! No, I'm not having that." He flipped through the menu. "I'll take the meatball sub."

"Ooh, sounds pretty good! I'mma going with that, then, dude!" said Luna.

Luan quipped, "I'll give one a try. I certainly hope it's not SUB-par!"

"Meatball sub? Hecking YES! I'll take one!" exclaimed Lynn.

Lori looked at Lynn. "You eat meatball subs all the time. Are you sure you want another one?"

Lynn frowned, then nodded thoughtfully. "I guess you're right. Never mind, then. I'm going with the pepperoni pizza slice."

Leni asked, "They have pepperoni pizza? Oh, nice! I never get to have more than one slice!" She turned to Justin, who was gritting his teeth and tapping his pencil against his notebook impatiently. "I'll take a single slice!"

Lori shrugged. "Yeah, what the heck, I'll take that."

Pop-Pop said, "I'll have what she's having."

Lori then frowned. "Wait, what am I thinking? Pepperoni only bolsters my flatulence problem... the one that I don't have!" she finished with an uneasy smile.

"Yeah, sure you don't have one," commented Luan snarkily.

Lori flipped through the menu. "Justin, I'll take the tortellini, if that's not too much of a problem for you."

Justin repeatedly clenched and unclenched his fists. "It's not," he said through gritted teeth.

Pop-Pop said, "Oh, that sounds good! I'll take the rigatoni, too!"

"You mean tortellini?" asked Luna.

"I meant what I said."

Justin interrupted them all. "What would you all like to drink?"

Luan replied, "I already said, water on the rocks."

Leni grimaced. "You're going to DRINK rocks? Eww! And I thought eating them was bad!"

Luna said, "I'll take a diet coke."

Pop-Pop said, "Just water for me, please."

Lynn inquired, "Do you have Gatorade?"

Justin replied, "No. We have Powerade, though."

"All right. The knockoff is good enough for me."

Luan said, "Yeah, I think I'll have Powerade instead."

Justin ripped off another sheet of paper from his notebook, crumpled it up, and shoved it into his apron.

Luna said, "What was I thinking? Diet Coke goes terribly with meatball subs! I'll take the diet Pepsi instead."

Lori said, "Diet Pepsi is literally disgusting!"

"Dude, it's Mick's go-to second favourite drink!"

Leni said, "I just want water, with ice, no rocks."

Luan said, "Actually, hold on, can I get a burger instead?"

Justin finally lost his patience. "All right, that's six burgers and six waters! Your food will be here in about twenty minutes. Have a nice evening." He stormed away.

Leni watched him leave. "Gee, why do you think he was so upset?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case any of you want to berate me for my use of "hokily", it's the correct adverb form of "hokey".
> 
> See you next week! I hope!


	8. Oh, Baby!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Luan-crying-at-the-end-of-Fool-Me-Twice-dot-png] I'm so sorry. I really am. I basically abandoned this story for a couple of months. While I did have life and such to contend with, and while I was busy working on other stories, for the most part, I really should finish up this story. It's about time I published something for it. So here you go. I hope you like it.
> 
> I have a song that I think you should play while reading this chapter. You'll know what it is when you see it.

Sam loaded her plate and glass into the dishwasher, then left the door open so that her charges would do likewise. At least, she hoped that they would.

Lucy, Lana, Lola, and Lisa ignored the dishwasher and dumped their dishes unceremoniously into the sink with a clatter.

Sam sighed. She shouldn't have gotten her hopes up quite so high. "Guys, could you put your dishes in the dishwasher please?"

Lana turned to her. "Doing the dishes isn't my job. It's Lynn and Luan's job."

"And mine," added Lucy.

"Yeah, but you don't even do anything!" commented Lola.

"Yes, I do. I shine them. It's an integral part of the task."

"What the heck does integral mean?"

Lisa spoke up. "An integral is the inverse of a derivative. It calculates the area under-"

Sam interrupted the little prodigy. "I'm pretty sure that's not what Lucy meant. Now put your dishes in the dishwasher."

The girls all obediently walked back to the sink and started to extract the dishes, which collided repeatedly, causing a ruckus. Lisa fumbled with her glass in her small, pudgy hands and dropped it. It landed on the floor with a loud CLANK.

Lisa remarked, "It was fortuitous that the drinking implement did not shatter from the force of impact which the ground exerted upon it."

Sam thought for a moment, then replied, "Yeah, I'd hate to have to clean glass off the floor."

Lisa curtly nodded, then picked up the glass.

Lana grabbed a plate out of the sink, causing loud clanks to reverberate around the kitchen as the dishes resettled themselves.

Lola curiously inspected Lana's plate, then frowned. "Hey! You have my plate! Gimme it!"

Lana glared at her twin. "Nuh uh! This one's mine! It was at the top of the pile!"

Lola shouted back, "No, mine was! You're wrong! Now give it!"

"Make me!"

The two twins started to tussle and yell, playing tug-of-war with the ceramic plate.

Lucy said, "Actually, I think that's my plate." Nobody listened to her.

Sam, who was starting to lose her cool, forcefully separated the two girls, taking the plate from them in the process. "All right, how 'bout it was neither of yours? Now quit whining and finish up!"

The girls looked at each other, then at Sam, then back at each other. They shrugged and started relocating plates again.

Sam's charges finally finished the deceptively simple task, and Sam shut the door to the dishwasher with a loud THUNK.

Lucy walked to the stairs, scribbling in her notebook as she climbed up them. She tore a leaf of paper from it and tossed it aside.

Sam looked at Lisa, Lola, and Lana. "Uh... whaddya guys wanna do now?"

Lisa replied, "I believe that now is approximately the time at which Lily habitually awakens from the REM sleep which she requires for proper mental development... street name, naptime. Perhaps we should monitor her behaviour."

Sam exclaimed, "Oh man! I totally forgot about the baby! Yeah, we oughta check up on her!"

She ran up the stairs and promptly slipped on the discarded sheet of paper from Lucy's notebook. Sam fell leftwards, smacking into the banister and clutching onto it in order to avoid falling down the stairs.

"SON OF A-" she started to holler before recalling the age of the kids whom she was monitoring.

Lana asked, "Son of a what?"

Sam facepalmed and slid down the stairs a little. "It doesn't matter." She winced as her hand made contact with her bruised forehead. She muttered to herself, "Oh, this left a mark."

Sam stood up and turned to the girls. "Is there a mark on my forehead?"

Lola replied, "Yeah, there is. It matches the stripe in your hair, though! I think you could pull off the look!"

Sam stood speechless for a moment. Then she started to chuckle. "Well, irregardless, we gotta check on Lily."

Sam headed up the stairs, turned a corner, then opened the door at the end of the hall. "Lily? Are you- oh. This is the bathroom."

Lisa opened up the door to her shared bedroom. "Disregarding the possibility of Lily having somehow relocated to another set of coordinates, she should be in here."

Sam nodded and walked in, seeing Lily fast asleep in her crib. "All right, she's asleep. D'you think I should leave her be or what?"

Lana shrugged. "Dunno. I don't normally deal with babies, except those baby birds that were in the drainpipe last week. But I know that I'd wanna stay asleep if I was asleep."

"I hate to say I agree with you but I agree with you," added Lola. "Lily needs her beauty sleep."

"I concur," said Lisa. "I will admit that I am moderately surprised at how Lily managed to remain in her NREM sleep state through the cacophony we concocted downstairs."

"Yeah, me too," replied Sam. "Maybe it's 'cause of her being used to living in a loud house. I bet you guys have had to sleep through a lot."

"Yes, Luna does tend to snore quite loudly, which can get obnoxious," said Lucy, who had suddenly appeared behind the other girls, making them all jump and yell.

Sam exclaimed, "Jeez! Can we get this girl a warning beeper or something?"

Lily stirred slightly in her crib, clutching her teddy bear more tightly.

Lisa commented, "Perhaps we should maintain a quieter volume while Lily continues to sleep? I would hate to rudely awaken her."

Lola turned to Sam, and, thumbing at Lisa, remarked in no softer a voice than she would normally use, "This is coming from the girl who tried to shave off my eyebrows at three in the morning."

"It was for science!"

"Yeah, sure, but my Little Miss Adorable Eyebrows pageant was coming up!"

Lucy cautiously tapped Sam on the shoulder and asked, "Hey, would you mind looking this poem over for me?"

Sam read it and somehow controlled her instinctive reaction to grimace. She smiled hokily. "Uh... it's okay?"

Lisa and Lola had stopped arguing, but they were both glaring at each other.

Lucy sighed. "I knew it was bad." She tore off the sheet of paper and crumpled it into a ball.

As soon as the wad of paper hit the floor, Lily's eyes snapped open. She started to wail.

Sam managed to stop herself from swearing a blue streak by punching the door. It hurt.

* * *

Luna's phone buzzed as she, her sisters (well, half of them, at least), and Pop-Pop walked towards the playhouse. She picked it up.

"How do you turn off your baby?" Sam frantically asked from the other end.

Luna was extraordinarily confused.

"What?"

"I said, how do you turn off your baby?"

"Could... could you be more specific?"

"Lily. How do you make her stop crying?"

"What the... She sleeps like a log. How in the ever-living heck didja manage that?"

"We dropped a paper."

"A what?"

"A paper. It hit the floor, then she woke up and started crying."

Luna could only stare ahead in disbelief for a moment.

"You mean like a sheet of paper, or like one of Lisa's ginormous lab papers?"

"I mean a sheet of paper."

Luna frowned. "You're pulling my leg, right?"

"Nope. I swear to you."

"Did Luan put you up to this?"

Luan, who was roughhousing with Lynn, said, "Whatever it is, I had no hand or leg in it!"

Sam said, in a tone of concern, "You seriously don't believe me."

"I... Well..." Luna hedged.

"How long have you known me for?"

"Uh, something like three years?"

"And have I ever lied or betrayed your trust in those three years?"

"Well, no, but..."

Sam's voice hardened. "But what?"

Luna sighed. "I dunno, luv, it's just that that's pretty out of the ordinary. Like I said, Lily sleeps like a log most-"

Lori nudged Luna and said, with an insincere grin, "Ooooh, you called her 'love'!"

Luna cupped her hand over the speaker and angrily replied, "Mind your own beeswax, little miss 'I-Can't-Spend-More-Than-Two-Hours-Without-Talking-to-My-Darling-Boo-Boo-Bear'!"

Lori retorted, "That's not true! It's been literally two hours and thirty-seven minutes since I talked to him last!"

Just as she finished, she pulled out her phone. "Aww, isn't that so sweet of him? Boo-Boo-Bear wanted to check up on me and make sure I was safe since I hadn't texted him in forever!"

Luna rolled her eyes.

Sam asked, "Hey, Moon Unit, you still there?"

"Yeah, bro, whaddya need?"

"Like I was saying, how d'you get Lily to stop?"

Luna looked over at Lori, who was excitedly jabbering to Bobby on her phone as they walked.

"Uh... man, I suck at troubleshooting this stuff. Have you tried just leaving her alone for a few minutes? She should shut down automatically."

"I don't think that'll work. Whenever we leave, she starts crying more."

"Does she need changing?"

"I... I hope not."

"Well, you're gonna hafta check."

"How does that work? It's been a while since I've had to deal with babies."

"Uh... how does the room smell?"

A pause ensued on the other end.

"It smells... is that formaldehyde?"

Luna faintly heard Lisa say, "Affirmative."

Sam said, "Well, anyway, besides the formaldehyde, the room smells pretty okay."

"Formaldehyde is not okay - tell Lisa that - but all right. That's a nope."

Lisa retorted, "I have safely and securely contained the formaldehyde. It should not pose a hazard!"

Luna sighed and muttered, "That's the same thing she said about Trashy. For such a bright lil' whippersnapper, Lisa's got no street smarts."

"Wait, Trashy?" Sam asked.

"Long story, luv."

"Well, any other ideas?"

"Uh..." Luna pressed her free hand to her forehead in an attempt to think hard. "Yeah, I got nothing."

"Ask Lori. Maybe she'll help."

Luna looked over at Lori, who had nearly collided into a stop sign, so occupied was she with her conversation with her dearly beloved significant other. "Hard pass. She's chatting with her main squeeze."

"I will never understand how some chick could become so obsessed with another person."

An ironic blush rose to Luna's cheeks, and she thanked her lucky stars that she wasn't on HeadTime. "Uh, yeah," she nervously managed to stammer out. "N-no clue, dude."

"So! Lily's been crying for something like ten minutes now." The desperation in Sam's voice increased as she continued. "I've tried rocking her. I've tried playing with her. I've tried leaving her the heck alone. Now what do I do?"

Luna sighed.

Then she perked up. "Wait! I know! Try singing to her!"

"But... you know I don't sing."

"Oh, c'mon, luv! Just go for it!"

"Did I stutter? I. Don't. Sing."

Luna rolled her eyes. "D'you wanna shut off the baby or not?"

"Uh..." Sam sighed deeply. "Fine."

"A'right, then my work here is done."

"But what if it doesn't work?"

"Then crack open the formaldehyde and wait."

Sam sounded indignant. "WHAT?"

"I'm joking! Seriously! Don't do that, the rents would kill ya!"

"Then what do I do?"

"Like I said, just lay on the sweet jams! It's always worked for me!"

"Yeah, well, you're actually a good singer!"

"Hey, bro, don't put yourself down like that. I've heard you befo-"

"Wait, you have?"

Luna winced. Sam wasn't supposed to know about that. "Yeah... well... your little bro recorded you singing in the shower. And he showed it to me."

"He WHAT?"

"Yeah, well, I gotta go, we're almost at the playhouse now."

"But..."

"Later, dude! Good luck! And there's a keyboard in my closet!"

Luna hung up and sighed in relief.

Lynn remarked, "Ooh, you asked Sam to go in your closet!"

Luna gave her an off-handed shove.

Pop-Pop swung open the door to the playhouse, and they all went inside.

* * *

Sam stared at the phone in her hand. She had to sing. She didn't want to, but she had to. Apparently, it was her only option.

Sam sighed and trudged to Luna's room.

"Hey, where are you going?" asked Lola, trotting alongside her.

"Gonna grab a keyboard and play music for Lily."

"Why?"

Sam opened the door. "Because maybe it'll put her into sleep mode."

"Can we listen?" asked Lana.

Sam sighed as she searched for Luna's closet. "I don't... all right. Fine. You can listen if you want."

She finally found the doors and flung them open, grabbing the keyboard and stand stored on the left side. She dragged them into Lily's room (Lily was still crying, and Lisa had started tinkering with an old watch while wearing headphones) and set up the keyboard.

Sam sighed yet again. "Might as well just get it over with," she muttered to herself. "But... what should I play?"

Suddenly, an idea popped into her head.

Sam flicked on the keyboard and started playing the introductory chord progression for "The Scientist".

Lisa removed her headphones and looked at Sam. "I find this choice of music to be ironically apt, given our location."

Sam stopped playing. "D-d'you like the song?"

"Affirmative. I find it surprisingly intriguing and even a bit melancholy."

"Me too."

"Do continue."

Sam nodded and set her hands back onto the keyboard, beginning to play again.

"What're you playing?" asked Lana, who was sitting on the carpet.

Yet again, Sam faltered and stopped.

Lola shushed Lana. "Sam's trying to play! Just listen."

They all fell silent, except for Lily, who was crying a bit more softly now.

Sam started at the beginning one last time. She exhaled deeply and began to sing.

"Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry, you don't know how lovely you a-a-are."

She saw Lola grin out of the corner of her eye. Lisa raised her eyebrows. Even Lily quieted down to listen to her.

She tripped up and messed up a chord, but she quickly recovered.

Sam allowed herself to get lost in the music.

"Nobody said it was ea-sy… Oh, it's such a shame for us to part.

"Nobody said it was easy... No one ever said it would be so hard.

"I'm going back to the start."

Lily babbled happily and Sam broke focus. She gritted her teeth and took a few deep breaths before starting from where she had left off, this time playing through without making any mistakes.

When she finished, Lana stood up and started clapping, yelling, "Wooo! Wooo! Encore! Great job! Play it again, Sam!"

"Actually, the correct quote is, 'Play it, Sam'..." Lisa started to say before getting interrupted by Lucy, who was standing in the doorway.

"Could you play something else, please?"

Sam, who was feeling a bit more confident after being so well-received, said, "Sure. What do you wanna listen to?"

"Uhh… Could you play 'Pumped Up Kicks'?"

Sam grimaced. "I... I don't know that one. And... I don't really wanna play it, either."

"Oh, that's fine. I'll think of something else."

Lola piped up. "Ooh! Ooh! Play 'Singing In the Rain'!"

"Sorry, Lols," replied Sam, "but I don't know that one either."

"Oh, it's not that hard. Listen!" Lola stood up and started to dance around the room, singing as best as she could.

Lana asked, "Hey Sam, what do you wanna play?"

Sam thought for a moment. "I could play 'Closing Time' if you want, or 'Ophelia', though I'm still trying to figure out most of that, or basically anything by Coldplay."

"See-kuh!" babbled Lily. "See-kuh!"

Sam's eyes widened. "All right, that's settled. I'm playing 'Secrets'. I mean, I don't know it too well, but I'll just pull up the lyrics and stuff."

She set her phone on the keyboard and started to play again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tentative plan is to finish one chapter a week until this story is over. It's probably not gonna be too much longer. Next up, we're gonna check back in on Lincoln and Simon!
> 
> See you soon, I hope!


	9. Homework and Hockey and Skirts, Oh My!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm a couple of days late, but at least this chapter's finished and was completed in a more timely fashion than most of my previous chapters were.
> 
> We're reaching the tail end of this story, mostly out of necessity, since I don't want it to drag on for much longer than it already has. I've got two more chapters to write, and then I'm off to other things.
> 
> Well, anyway, enjoy! And I'll see you next week, hopefully!

"I told you already, it's NOT my skirt!" Simon yelled indignantly.

Lincoln's smirk widened into a grin. He folded his arms over his chest. "Then why did it end up in your laundry?"

"I dunno, maybe it was because Dad misplaced it?"

"OR because it's yours!"

"It's not! I mean, look!" Simon stepped into the black pleated skirt, holding it up around his waist. "It's too big for me, so it can't be mine!"

Lincoln laughed. "Aww, look at you! You look so cute in that skirt! It's gotta be yours!"

Simon gritted his teeth. "I'm not cute!"

"Yes you are!"

"Shut up! I'm not cute!"

"Awww, are you blushing?"

Sure enough, Simon's ears had turned crimson. "NO!"

"It makes you look even cuter, you know!"

Simon balled his hands into fists. "I am NOT cute!"

Lincoln smirked. "Hey, cuteness is subjective. You can't just say that and claim it's true!"

Simon's brow furrowed in confusion. "What's subjective?"

"It, uh, it means that it's not the truth, that a statement can't be the truth. You know how people have different opinions on stuff sometimes?"

"Yeah, like when some people say 'Oh, that hairstyle looks good on you', and others say 'Oh, that hairstyle looks awful', and others say 'I don't care'?"

Lincoln grinned. "Right! Perfect analogy!"

Simon tilted his head to one side. "What's an analogy?"

Lincoln facepalmed. "It's a comparison. But anyway, yeah, opinions are subjective. Facts are objective. Subjective and objective are opposites."

"All right, now I get it."

"Yeah. For instance, it's a subjective opinion that you look cute in that skirt. It's an objective fact that it's your skirt."

Simon looked down and noticed that he was still wearing the skirt. "HEY! But it's not mine!"

"It is now! You're wearing it!"

Simon placed his hand to his temple, trying to think up some sort of loophole that would allow him to prove his point. "But... but what if Sam wants it back?"

"Are you saying you wanna keep it?"

"NO!"

Lincoln chuckled, thinking that maybe Simon had had enough teasing for the time being. "All right. I'll leave you to decide if you're gonna keep it or not."

He walked out of the room and placed his hands on the banister in the hallway. He felt good about things. He had only broken one major appliance, which was better than what Lori had probably been expecting of him. And he was getting along well with Simon, for the most part. He liked the kid.

Now what could he do with Simon that wouldn't result in them destroying any more pillows or washing machines?

Lincoln supposed that the best course of action would be to ask.

"Hey, Simon! What game do you wanna play when you're done putting away your laundry?"

Simon replied, "Uh, let's play rug hockey!"

"What's rug hockey?"

"It's hockey, but it's on a rug!"

"So it's like a sport?" Lincoln winced, hesitant to engage in physical activity but also wanting to do something that Simon would find enjoyable.

"Uh, yeah, but it's a mini sport! I'll go get out the sticks and stuff."

Lincoln flinched again. He had bad memories from playing roller hockey with Lynn.

"All right, but finish the laundry first!"

One load of laundry put into Simon's chest of drawers later, Lincoln, who was flipping through Sam's middle school yearbook which had been left on her desk, heard Simon yell, "All set! Let's play now!"

Lincoln stood up and walked into Simon's room, immediately greeted by the sight of Simon holding two foot-and-a-half-long plastic sticks out in front of him.

Simon grinned malevolently. "Choose your weapon!"

Lincoln knew for sure that his reservations were correct. He tentatively chose the black stick.

"Okay, now how do we play?"

Simon spun around the red stick in his hand like a sword. "Get on your knees."

"What? Are you going to knight me or something?"

"No, that's just how this game works. We play on our knees." Simon knelt down, and Lincoln did the same.

Lincoln was confused. Where was the rink? Where was the puck? Weren't those important parts of any hockey game, no matter where it was played?

"Well, okay, but now what?"

Simon moved to the door, shutting it in the process. "I'm gonna be the goalie. I'm guarding the door. Your job is to hit the door with the ball using the stick. Got it?"

"Uh, what ball?"

Simon pulled a foam ball out of his back pocket and hucked it at Lincoln, hitting him square in the collarbone. "That one."

"Oh," Lincoln replied weakly. "Okay."

He picked up the ball and threw it at the top of the door, above Simon's reach.

"Hey! No fair! That's cheating!"

"What do you mean? I hit the door with the ball, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but you hit the wrong part of the door!"

Lincoln grimaced. "Well, then, what part of the door am I supposed to hit?"

"The bottom part. The part that I'm guarding." Simon shrugged and fidgeted with his stick a bit. "It makes the game more fun."

Lincoln gestured with his stick. "Okay, now that's not fair."

"Sure it is! Here, you guard the net!"

"But that's... all right." Lincoln shrugged and moved in front of the door. He smirked. "All right, get one past me. I dare-"

Simon juggled the ball back and forth with his stick, then with a flick of his wrist, sent the ball flying at the makeshift net, hitting the door just above Lincoln's left shoulder.

Lincoln gaped. "Wh-wha? How did you do that?"

Simon shrugged. "I practice. A lot."

"Do you play hockey?"

"Yeah. Do you?"

Lincoln rolled his eyes in exasperation. "What do you think?"

Simon blinked. "No?"

"Nope."

Simon smiled faintly. "Well, I'll teach you. For now, d'you wanna try being the goalie?"

"Yeah, sure."

Lincoln tried his best to block the door, but he utterly failed. Simon hit the door on 11 out of 15 attempts.

After the last goal, Simon sighed and stopped the ball in place. "You gotta stop flinching."

"But there's a solid object hurtling towards my head at breakneck speeds! I can't help it that I want to dodge!"

"Oh, come on! It's soft and squishy, so it won't hurt!"

"Then you've obviously never been hit in the eye by a stress ball while walking down a flight of stairs!"

Simon paused. "Well, I haven't, but that's besides the point. The point is, chill out!"

Lincoln shifted his weight back and forth. "All right, all right, I'll try not to flinch."

"Okay, then let's try again."

Simon flicked the ball at Lincoln again, who tensed up as it hit the door just above his head.

"You flinched again!"

"No I didn't!"

"Yeah you did! You gotta stop doing that!"

Lincoln frowned. "But what if I can't help it?"

Simon put a hand to his forehead, thinking. "I have an idea!" he proclaimed, brightening up. "Close your eyes!"

Lincoln was confused but obliged.

A couple of seconds later, he felt a foam ball smack into his forehead.

"HEY!" he yelled, rubbing the afflicted area.

"That didn't hurt, now, did it?"

Lincoln opened his eyes to see Simon wearing the most insincere grin in the history of insincere grins.

Lincoln frowned. "Don't do that to me!"

Simon's grin vanished. "All right, sheesh. I was only trying to help. Do you want me to be goalie, then?"

"Yeah, sure."

The two boys switched places, and Simon tossed the ball back to Lincoln.

"Now, uh, how do I do this?" asked Lincoln, tapping the ball with his stick.

"It's like golf. You aim, and then you hit the ball with the blade of the stick."

"All right, so kind of like regular hockey, except with a shorter stick." Lincoln nodded and then wound back, preparing to strike. He swung forward and grazed the top of the ball, sending it rolling forward slowly and knocking himself slightly off balance.

"Okay, you hit it. Try again."

Lincoln tried again, missing the ball entirely this time.

"Aw man," he said, dropping the stick. "I suck at this."

"Hey, it's all right. Keep trying. You'll get better."

"Yeah, you're right."

Lincoln picked up the stick and looked up at Simon, who was drumming his fingers on his knee impatiently.

"It might take a while for me to get the hang of this. You sure you can wait?"

Simon shrugged. "Yeah, it's not like I have anything better to-"

He paused. "Oh. Right. I have homework."

"You have homework over the weekend?"

Simon sighed. "Yeah, I'm supposed to read thirty pages of this one book for my book club. And I haven't started it yet."

Lincoln wanted to keep playing (or at least to give it his best shot, for Simon's sake), but he knew that homework was more important. "Well, I hate to be the Queen of No, but I'm gonna wait for you to finish reading your book pages, and then we can play some more. Deal?"

Simon nodded. "Deal." He stood up and grabbed a beaten-up book out of his backpack.

Lincoln turned to leave, then looked back at his charge. "Oh, and if you need any help with anything, just let me know, and I'll give you a hand, okay?"

"All right."

"Have fun, then!"

Lincoln walked out of Simon's room, leaving the door ajar. He returned to Sam's room and looked around, seeing what else was there to read for him to pass the time.


	10. Bedtime Blues

Sam finished off the song with a last A flat major chord, then stepped back, grinning. "All right, guys, I think that's enough music for now."

Lola and Lana said in chorus, "Awwww, come on!"

Lucy added, "Yeah, I hate to admit that I enjoy anything, but I did enjoy your music."

"I concur, but the present time is 8:22 pm, which means that we have overshot our standard time at which we retire to bed," said Lisa.

Sam checked her phone. "Holy cow, it's late! All right, you guys oughta get ready for bed, then."

Lola and Lana said in chorus, "Awwww, come on!"

"Can't we stay up later?" asked Lucy. "It's Saturday."

Sam sighed and crossed her arms. "Sorry, guys, but rules are rules. I gotta put you all to bed. I wanna see you guys in the hall, ready for bed, in ten minutes. Got that?"

The sisters all nodded, except for Lily, who was sucking her pacifier contentedly.

"All right, go!"

The girls scattered, and Sam walked out of Lisa's room. She needed to figure out how to spend the next ten minutes.

Sam wandered into Lincoln's room, impressed at how well the room managed to fit all the necessities of a prepubescent boy into such a small space. She happened to see an old yearbook lying on Lincoln's desk, and she picked it up, flipping through it out of curiosity.

* * *

Lincoln yawned and set down his hockey stick. "Okay, Simon, I think it's time for bed now. It's late."

"But you said we would stop after you scored a goal on me!"

"Yeah, well, I didn't realise that I'd be quite so bad at rug hockey. I mean, it's already twenty past eight. Uh, when's your normal bedtime?"

Simon thought for a moment. "Uh... nine?"

Lincoln frowned. "Don't lie to me. I saw Sam's daily schedule posted on her door, and it said 'Put Simon to Bed' at 8."

Simon's face fell. "Aw, maaan! Can't I stay up a little longer? Pleeeease? It's the weekend!"

"Sorry, pal, but I don't wanna get in trouble. We're already in some sort of hot water thanks to Sam not telling your mom what was up."

Simon sighed. "All right, then. I'll go to bed."

Lincoln nodded. He left Simon's room and walked into the living room. He flicked on the television, wondering if there was anything good on that he could binge-watch until ten at night.

Of course, there wasn't, but there was a harem anime airing that was somewhat watchable.

* * *

Sam checked the clock on the wall and noticed that it was almost 8:35. She walked into the hallway and saw nobody.

"Guys! Where are you? You're all supposed to be out in the hall by now!"

"I'm here."

Sam whirled around and saw Lucy standing in the doorway, clad in a white shirt and fuzzy black pants. She yelped. "Aah! How... how did you get there? I just walked out!"

Lucy shrugged. "I work in mysterious ways."

"But that's... how do you not... Lisa!"

Lisa called from her room, "What do you require?"

"I require your presence out in the hall! Are you ready for bed yet or not?"

"Negative. I am currently waiting for Lola to terminate her duration in the lavatory."

"Isn't there another bathroom that you could-"

Lisa sighed. "Unfortunately, there is not."

Sam facepalmed. "One bathroom. There is one friggin' bathroom in this house. There are ten of you and one bathroom."

"Technically, thirteen humans reside in this abode, not to mention the four pets."

"Yeah, I know, but HOW do you live with only one BATHROOM?"

"We manage," called back Lola from the bathroom.

"Kindly expedite your cleansing routine!" snapped Lisa. "I require the use of plumbing facilities!"

Lana walked out of her room, wearing her pajamas. "You could always do what I do and use the bucket."

"Oh, that reminds me, might I requisition the bucket from you temporarily for my fecal studies?"

Sam grimaced. "This family is a genuine disaster," she muttered under her breath.

"Finally, someone else feels my pain," Lucy responded.

"I have to agree with you," added Lana. "You guys are always being loud and stuff, even when it's just as few people home as there are right now. And this is coming from me, who's proud to be a mess." She pointed her thumb at her chest.

"You sure are!" retorted Lola. "But yeah, you guys are right."

"I concur," said Lisa.

"Gah! Poo-poo!" babbled Lily.

Sam said, "Yeah... you guys may be a disaster, but you're an awesome disaster. I like you all, and while you may, er, be a bit much at times, you're all great kids. I mean, I wouldn't wanna live like this all the time, but I guess I see how Luna could enjoy it."

"Like Lincoln says, I wouldn't trade it for the world," commented Lana.

The other sisters all verbalised their agreement.

Sam smiled. "All right, niceties aside, could you all hurry it up?"

Lola replied, "Beauty requires sacrifice. Remember that this is taking up my time as well as yours."

"We understand, but I would like to brush my teeth some time this week," said Lucy.

Sam sighed. "I'll give you guys ten more minutes, all right?"

Just then, Lola walked out of the bathroom, her hair in curlers. "Done. Your turn, Lisa."

Lisa opened up her bedroom door and ambled (well, about as properly as a four-year-old can amble) into the bathroom.

Sam retreated back into Lincoln's room.

* * *

"Sam!" called Simon.

Lincoln perked up. "Wait, what?"

"Sa- oh, right. Lincoln!"

Lincoln flicked off the television and stood up. "What is it?"

Simon was standing in the hallway. "Could, uh, could you come here for a minute?"

Lincoln followed him into Simon's room. "What do you need?"

"I, uh..." Simon shifted his weight anxiously as he clambered into bed. "Could... could you please read me a story?"

"Uh... all right. Sure. What do you want me to read to you?"

"Uh, just, yeah, pick something out of the bookshelf." Simon looked down at the blankets, seeming embarrassed.

Lincoln picked up on Simon's discomfort. "What's wrong?"

"I, it's just, whenever Sam and I are alone, and when she's... when it's time for bed, she always reads a story to me to help me fall asleep."

"That's fine. There's no need to be embarrassed about a habit." Lincoln examined the bookshelf, then selected one at random.

He looked at the title, mildly confused. "Okay, uh, tonight, I'm gonna read 'Amelia Bedelia: Rocket Scientist?'"

Simon brightened up. "Yay! Amelia Bedelia is awesome!"

Lincoln raised his eyebrows. "Uh, to each his own, I guess. But anyway, here you go."

Simon smiled. "Thanks so much, Lincoln! I'm happy you understand."

"Hey, not a problem. I'm not one to judge. I've got odd habits myself. I mean, I always read comics in my underwear."

Simon laughed. "Really?"

Lincoln grinned. "Yeah. My sisters give me grief for it, but I don't care. They're just teasing, anyway, and they don't really mind that much."

"Yeah, Sam's always bugging me about how I wanna be a maid when I grow up if I can't be a NASCAR driver. But I know she doesn't really mean anything by it."

"Right, and hey, what are siblings for if not for playfully insulting each other?"

Simon laughed. "Exactly!"

"So, I'd better stop delaying and get on with the story. You need to go to bed." Lincoln flipped the book open and started to read while Simon listened intently.

* * *

Sam stepped out of Lincoln's room five minutes later to find all of the girls (except for Lily) standing in the hallway, ready for bed.

She paced up and down the line. "Good job, all of you, on getting ready in time. Now I'll put you guys all to bed. Go to your rooms."

"Why'd you have us come into the hall if we're gonna go right back to bed?" asked Lola.

"Because I wanted to make sure that you guys were ready for bed before I put you to bed. Also, it's kind of a habit from getting Simon to go to bed."

"All right." Lola shrugged, and the sisters dispersed to their respective rooms.

Sam followed Lisa into her room and stood at the door as Lisa climbed into bed. "Do you want me to read you a story or anything before I leave?" Sam asked.

Lisa replied, "Lily much appreciates it when Lori reads the book 'Good Night, Farm' to her, as do I. It aids in both our relaxation processes."

Sam smiled and selected the picture book from its place at the top of the bookshelf. She flipped it open and started to read it.

"Good night, Mr. Cow. Good night, Mrs. Sheep. The sun has gone down. It's time now for sleep."

After a minute or so, Sam looked up and noticed that the little girls were both sound asleep. She quietly set the book back on the shelf, then left the room.

Lola and Lana were arguing from across the room when Sam walked in.

"But I haven't touched your stupid lucky plunger since Bluebell Scouts camp!"

"Well, it's gone, and you're the last one who touched it who wasn't me!"

Sam spread out her hands. "Guys, guys, settle down. It's time for bed."

The pugnacious twins clammed up almost immediately.

"Sor-ree," they said in unison.

Sam sighed. "Do you guys want me to read you a story?"

The girls looked at each other.

"Princess Pony Power Hour!" said Lola at the same time as Lana said, "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie!"

They glared at each other and started to yell again.

Sam exclaimed, "Guys! Quiet down! Your sisters are trying to sleep!"

Lola and Lana clammed up.

"Okay, sorry, guys, but no story tonight. It's already 8:45. Good night."

Sam switched off the light and left the room, shutting the door behind her. She walked to Lynn and Lucy's room.

Lucy lay under her covers as still as a corpse.

Sam flicked on the lights in her room and whispered, "Lucy? You awake?"

As soon as the light reached her eyes, Lucy hissed, causing Sam to yelp in shock.

"Turn that infernal thing off!" snarled Lucy.

Sam willingly obliged and left the room, whispering, "Good night, Lucy," as she left.

Sam breathed a sigh of relief. The kids were all asleep, for the time being at least. All that was left was to kill time until 10 pm.

She walked downstairs and, upon reaching the lower landing, nearly tripped over Cliff. Cliff meowed in contempt and stalked away.

* * *

Lincoln snapped the book shut upon finishing the story. Simon lay on his bed with his eyes half closed.

"Did you have fun today, Simon?" asked Lincoln softly.

"Mm-hmm," Simon drowsily replied.

"Okay, good night then."

Lincoln slid the book back onto its shelf, shut off the lamp, and snuck out of the room.

He breathed a sigh of relief. All that was left for him to do was to kill time until 10 pm.

He turned on the television and lazily started flipping through channels. It had been a long day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter should be out by the end of the month! Until then, good night and farewell!


	11. Homecoming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At long last, after six painstaking months, I have the final chapter ready for you all! Be warned: there are going to be a lot of references to things that happened in previous chapters, so for maximum humour value, I would recommend reading over the story again. I assure you, it should help.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

Lincoln was abruptly woken up by the sound of the doorbell. He had dozed off on the couch while watching a show about cooking while suspended above a volcano. He blearily stumbled to his feet, shut off the television, and staggered to the door, nearly tripping and falling down the stairs. He opened it to see his five elder sisters eagerly standing on the stoop.

"The play was awesome!" exclaimed Lynn.

"It totes was!" said Leni.

Lincoln wearily raised a finger to his lips. "Guys, keep it down! Simon's asleep, and so was I."

"Whazzat?" mumbled a voice from upstairs.

"Go back to sleep, Simon," replied Lincoln. "It's just my sisters here to pick me up." He turned to them. "Right?"

Lori rolled her eyes. "No, we're just here to drop Luna off so she can give Sam a good night k-"

Luna, blushing furiously, yelled, "Stoppit, bro! We are not doing that!"

Lincoln smirked. "You sure you don't want to? Because we can arrange that."

"Uh, no. But anyway, come on, let's get ya home."

"Good night, Lincoln!" said Simon.

"G'night, Simon!" replied Lincoln and his sisters as they left the house.

As they walked down the driveway, avoiding Sam's car which was parked in front of the garage, Lincoln asked, "So, what was the play about?"

"I... uh..." began Lori.

"I-it was about pie," interrupted Luan.

"Pie? That sounds dull."

"It wasn't. Trust me," said Lori.

Lincoln noticed that his sisters seemed a bit uncomfortable, but he pressed on. "But why was the pie interesting?"

"You don't wanna know," replied Lynn.

"Yeah, dude, trust us on this," added Luna.

Lincoln nodded. "I see. Well, anyway, how was Pop-Pop?"

Luan piped up, "He was OLD-er the moon to see us!" She laughed, and everyone within earshot groaned.

"That was a stretch," commented Lynn.

"Yeah, well, I'm always REACHing to be more successful!"

Lincoln groaned. "It's too late for jokes. I just wanna sleep."

"We gotta get home first," said Lori. "I feel your pain, but there's no rest for the weary."

"Wicked," said Luna.

Confused, Lori turned to look at her sister. "I'm sorry?"

"I mean, there ain't no rest for the wicked."

"Sure they do!" exclaimed Leni.

"Whaddya mean by that?"

"They sleep! All people sleep, right? Isn't that rest?"

Lori facepalmed. "It's literally a metaphor. Not a literal interpretation, not a song lyric, a figure of speech."

"Oh. I get it."

Leni nodded silently.

"No, wait a sec, I don't."

Luan rolled her eyes. "Explaining anything to Leni is always wicked hard."

Her siblings groaned.

Luan blinked, surprised. "Wait, was that a pun? Did I make a joke PUN-intentionally?"

Lynn shook her head, her ponytail flopping around in the breeze. "Yes. You did. Now pipe down."

The remainder of the walk back to the Loud House was uneventful save more typical sibling banter. Upon reaching their front stoop, Leni nearly pushed the doorbell but was stopped by Lincoln's quick reflexes.

"Leni, no! You'll get electrocuted!"

Leni grinned. "Exactly! I wanna be cuter!"

Lincoln facepalmed. Luan knocked on the door and called, "Knock knock!"

From the other side of the door, Sam asked, "Who's there?"

"Banana!"

Luna shook her head. "Please, have mercy."

Sam said, "Wait, banan- oh. I see what your game is. Come in, guys."

Sam opened up the door, and the elder Loud siblings reentered their own home.

Luna slapped Sam five as she walked in. "How were the kids, luv?"

Lori turned to Lincoln and squealed softly. "I literally can't even!"

"You can't even what?" asked Sam.

"Uh, n-n-nothing!" Lori grinned hokily. "I trust Lola didn't give you any more trouble?"

"Nah, she was fine for the rest of the night. You really told her off, huh?"

"Yeah, well, I've had loads of practice. I've known all of these girls for my-"

"And boy!" added a mildly annoyed Lincoln.

"-I've known all of these girls and boy for their whole lives," finished Lori.

Sam nodded. "That makes sense, I guess. So, how was the play?"

"It was super cool!" said Lynn. "And funny!"

"Oh good! Did... uh, did your grand-dad like it?"

Leni replied, "It looked like he did. I think. So yeah, we all had a totes great time! Did you?"

Sam brightened up. "Yeah, definitely! Your sisters are good kids. Oh, and Luna, your suggestion worked."

Luna grinned. "Told ya, bro. Music soothes the savage Lily. Didja get her to fall asleep?"

"Eh... not exactly. What happened was, the other girls wanted to listen to me play, too. I almost said no, but I didn't wanna let them down. So, I ended up playing for them. And I actually stopped minding so much about me singing in front of people. I guess you just gotta get used to it."

"That's what I keep telling ya! Well, at least you learned it for yourself."

Sam nodded. "And it's a good lesson to learn, I guess."

The two rocker girls grinned at each other. Lori futilely attempted to disguise her glee.

"Oh, right, that reminds me," said Sam, "Lynn, you're a good writer. You know?"

Lynn looked at her, her head askew, not understanding the intent of Sam's message. "I... what?"

Sam clapped a hand over her mouth. "WaitnevermindforgetIsaidanything!"

Luan started to laugh. "That sure wasn't the WRITE thing to say, was it?"

Leni shook her head.

Lynn finally came to a realisation about what Sam was referring to. She stood up and gritted her teeth. "SAM! YOU BETTER NOT HAVE READ MY JOURNAL!"

"Why, what's in your jour-" Lincoln started to say before Luan shushed him.

"Don't worry. I got this."

Luan turned to Lynn. "Oyster!"

Lynn's eyes widened. "No! Stop! Please!"

"Bug Sam about your journal again and I'll say it again."

Lynn grimaced. "All right, fine." She sat down with a hmph.

Lincoln handed Sam her house key. "Here, I gotta give this back."

Sam stood up and started to walk to the door. "Thanks, Linc! Okay, I'd better get back to Simon now that you guys are back. See you in class, Moon Unit!"

"Hold on!" said Lincoln.

"What?"

"What about the rest of the money that we were going to pay you?"

"Oh, right! That! Nah, that's fine. I got enough money for my troubles."

Lori said, "No, but we forgot! We still have to pay you back. We promised."

She turned to her siblings. "Okay, now who has money?"

Luan raised her hand. "I have some squirreled away in my room from my clowning business. I could get that and... how much do we need to give to her?"

Lynn put her hand to her chin in contemplation. "If I remember correctly, we were supposed to give Sam $55.50, and we only gave her... what? Like 27 bucks?"

Lori nodded. "Yeah, I think it was $27.75. So we owe her... $27.75. Huh."

Luan folded her arms. "I can cover that. I'll run upstairs and grab the money." She got off of the couch and ran up the stairs.

Sam said, "No, no, that's fine. Thirty bucks is enough. You know what, I'll just go. I really gotta get home." She opened up the door.

"See you around!" said Leni.

"Yeah, see you, guys!" Sam waved and closed the door, starting her walk home.

Luna looked at Lori. "We still gotta give her back her car key."

Lori facepalmed. "Argh! This is literally a disaster!"

Lincoln yawned and fell sideways, leaning against Lori. Lori pushed him the other way so that he was leaning against Lynn. Lynn grimaced and pushed him forward so that he fell off of the couch. Somehow, he remained asleep.

Luan slid down the banister, waving aloft a few bills. "I got the cheddar! And the money, but that's another story!"

Lori turned to Luan. "Sam left already, and we didn't give her key back! I literally don't know what to do!"

Luna grinned. "Relax, I got this. Gimme the key and the money. I'll go run out and give it to her."

Lori and Luan obliged, and Luna ran out of the house, slipping the key into the pile so that it was invisible to the naked eye.

Luna caught up to Sam not far from her house. "Sam! Sam, hold up! We got your money!"

Sam whirled around. "Oh, uh, hey Luna!"

"Here, here you go. And we're not taking no for an answer, luv."

Sam blinked and looked at the sidewalk. "Yeah, all right, okay, I'll take it, then. As long as it gets you to shut up." She chuckled nervously.

Luna grinned and handed Sam the money, which she took and stuck in her pocket. "Since when didja ever hate the melodious sound of my voice?" she teased.

It was hard to tell in the dim light from the streetlamps, but Sam's face flushed. "I dunno, since you started making me appreciate the sound of my own voice?"

"I guess you're right."

Sam started to feel more at ease, lowering her tensed shoulders. "Yeah, when am I ever wrong, huh?"

Luna shifted her weight onto her right foot. "Well, you were wrong about the singing thing, brah. I'm sure I could think up more, but we'd be here all night."

"With you? I, uh, I don't think I'd mind that much." Sam preened a strand of hair behind her ear.

It was Luna's turn to blush. "Y-y-yeah, well, uh, I'd best be heading back now. Gotta get some shut-eye myself. Talk to ya soon."

Sam nodded. "Yeah... sure." She started to backpedal, hesitant to leave. "I... I, uh..."

"What's up?"

Sam turned away. "It's all right. I'll talk to ya later about it, okay?"

"All right, fair enough. See you Monday!"

Luna turned and started to walk back home. Sure enough, she was tired. It had been a long day for everybody; longer than anybody had been expecting, that was for sure.

Luna re-entered her house and saw Lincoln sleeping on the floor. "Should we move him?" she asked.

Lynn shrugged. "He looks comfortable enough right there. I say we leave him."

Luan said, "In my opinion, we'd BED-der move him." She laughed. Nobody reacted, especially not Lincoln.

Leni knelt down next to Lincoln and attempted to pick him up. "Could you guys help me out here?"

The five elder siblings all somehow managed to lift Lincoln up a flight of stairs and put him in bed. Miraculously, Lincoln remained asleep throughout the entire debacle.

"Okay, now that that's over with," said Lori, "let's head off to bed."

Luna's phone buzzed. She picked it up.

"Okay, who moved my car?" Sam angrily asked.

Luna's eyes widened. "Dang it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While you're still here, today's a very special day for me. Today's the anniversary of my publication of "Listen to the Band" (insert shameless self-promotion here) and the anniversary of me officially joining the TLH fandom. In honour of that, I'm reposting all of my TLH stories from here onto my new AO3 account. (I'm using the same username, in case you're interested.)
> 
> Man, how the time has flown. It's been a long time, but it doesn't honestly feel like all that long. It's been a hard road paved with trials, tribulations, treacherous fan-dumbs, and so on. But I wouldn't trade it for the world. I'm glad to be here.
> 
> However, this will probably be the last TLH story I'll publish for some time. I have other, bigger projects in other fandoms that I want to complete. While this might be my first fandom, it sure as heck isn't my only one. I'll still be here, but I'll probably not be quite as active in TLH.
> 
> If you're interested in seeing what I have to offer, just stick around. I'll be back, I promise. I can never leave for too long, anyway.
> 
> I hope to see you all soon! Thanks for sticking with me over these past six months! I hope the ride was worth it!


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